Yesterday I experienced something that was 12 years on the making: I sat in the audience of The View. The best part is that guest Judge Judy sat 10 feet in front of me and talked about sex and weed!
OK, so first of all, after I got myself settled in my seat—second row!—I looked up and this was on the screen.
And for no apparent reason, either. Unhappy, topless, makeupless women were not a part of Hot Topics that day. It was weird—particularly because the photo of the woman was obviously taken at The View. They did have a really strict policy of not asking the co-hosts for autographs or to pose for pictures. Did she try to get a copy of Sheetzucacapoopoo signed? Is this their version of like when people shoplift at drugstores and then the proprietor hangs their picture on a wall of shame?
Along with Judge Judy, the guests that day were the Court Yard Hounds (which is the Dixie Chicks minus Natalie Maines) and Bristol Palin. As the warm-up guy was doing his thing before the show, teaching us how to applaud and stuff, he announced each of the guests’ names. The crowd roared when he said “Judge Judy.” There was barely any reaction when he said “Bristol Palin.” Some people even booed.
Then he said, “Come on, you’re an audience full of women—I know you’ve faked it before.” They ate that one up.
Then the co-hosts came out and the show started. I watch The View everyday, so I was sort of shocked at how scripted and hammy everything was. I mean, I’m sure that when they fight—which, unfortunately, they didn’t that day—it’s off the cuff, but everything else is really planned out. It doesn’t seem as obvious when watching it on TV. For example, this whole Picasso bit, where Whoopi gets “angry” that they won’t reshow the painting, and then talks to a producer—that was totally setup.
I guess because it’s a live show, they can’t take any chances, so it’s all pre-arranged, but I was surprised that even when they were talking about how some of them attended the Costume Institute Gala at the Met, the teleprompter told Whoopi to ask Barbara if she had a good time.
During the first commercial break, producers and stage managers and Joy were all huddled and whispering around Elisabeth and Barbara’s side of the table, as Elisabeth furiously scratched something out of her cue card with her pen. Babs looked super pissy.
And then when the show resumed, Elisabeth made her tearful apology to Erin Andrews from DWTS. You don’t even know how surreal that was for me. I was literally laughing in her face, as she was only a few feet away from me. But I tried to keep my bitchbagness down to a minimum and laughed silently. The thing was, that Joy was totally laughing, too, which gave me church giggles something awful.
After Elisabeth finished, Sherri said something like, “We should make a blooper reel of all the apologies that we’ve made on the show,” and everyone around the table said, “No!” Joy was like, “Don’t say that, because you’re giving the enemy ideas and it’ll be on the internet!” It was like they all saw the light bulb that went off in my head when Sherri said that, and I suddenly felt very called out.
But my shame wore off when Judge Judy came out. This was the face I made.
Babs perked up, too. And she even asked JJ when she lost her virginity! (It was after she got married.) If I died of blogger embarrassment moments earlier, I was now in camp heaven. She discussed the legalization of marijuana, as well, which seemed kind of moot at that point because the experience of that alone made me feel stoned.
Unfortunately, because of the no-photos-with-the-stars policy, I was sort of gutted that I didn’t get a picture of me with JJ. However, the fact that I was totally on TV sort of made up for that.
Earlier: Jezebel Crashes The Tyra Show’s Vaginas Episode