Perhaps it’s a sign that the media churn cycle has reached maximum saturation, and now consists of 10,000 monkeys on typewriters writing think pieces about The Hills reboot—but I do not understand why we are collectively freaking out about the fact that aliens are quite possibly, perhaps definitely to make it interesting, real?
On Tuesday, the New York Times chronicled a series of reports filed by pilots who, while participating in training regiments on the East Coast between Virginia and Florida, spotted what they describe as explained flying objects. According to the Times: “The objects had no visible engine or infrared exhaust plumes, but that they could reach 30,000 feet and hypersonic speeds.”
No one is explicitly saying that the objects are spaceships; indeed the roster of experts quoted in the piece throw out a handful of suggestions to skirt around the whole alien thing. But seeing as we’re talking about a particularly alien-averse group—the Times, the Department of Defense—I’m going to view the article’s subtext, particularly the quote of one military intelligence officer who called the reports “a striking series of incidents,” as confirmation of the imminent arrival of extraterrestrials. And we probably don’t have much time, since the incidents have been reported since 2014, so let’s ask the important questions. Namely: Would you do an alien?
Like all life-altering events, we won’t have much information until the invasion is upon us: It’s gonna be a game time decision. Like the sometimes-gunky, sometimes-molten interior of a box of chocolates, it’s impossible to say what corporeal form these extra visitors might take. We might be talking aliens of the smooth, scaly sort; they might boast the large muscles of the predators from the Alien movies, or the cute waddle of an E.T.-type creature. Perhaps we’re in for soft plumed fur like other extremely Phuckable candidates. Or, this might be a case of duck penis.
Since the moment for decisions is now, Jezebel weighed in:
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: I would fuck any alien.
Jennifer Perry: Too risky. I like sex simple. With humans.
Lisa Fischer: Would rather bone that alien than Jeremy Renner.
Kelly Faircloth: I’m likely a Would Not, because this definitely sounds like how you contract an incredibly gnarly untreatable intergalactic STD.