On Sunday, I’ll be joining 45,000 other idiots in running the Chicago Marathon. In the months leading up to the Big Day, I’ve woken up early every Saturday to lace up my shoes, struggle into a sports bra and what can best be described as “running spanx”, chug water and a few energy cubes, pop my headphones into my ears, and head out into the great dead rat and pee-covered asphalt playground of New York City on my weekly “long run.” During these countless hours and hundreds of miles, I’ve done a lot of thinking about Katy Perry.
I haven’t used brainspace on Perry because I’m particularly interested in her as a celebrity. I don’t care about her love life or her histrionic boob accessorizing, but she seems like a nice enough person and I hope she finds whatever whipped cream shooting happiness she’s searching for. I’ve spent hours thinking about Katy Perry because she’s somehow mastered the art of creating the perfect workout song, and she’s done it over and over again.
My brain’s incredibly picky about what I listen to when I’m running; the wrong song can be as distracting an irritant as a blister on my foot, a pain in my knee. But over my years as a runner, and the months leading up to Sunday, I think I’ve finally nailed down the elusive formula. And because I’m going crazy from not being able to run or bitch about running, I’m sharing that formula with you, Internet.
The following elements can be adjusted based on personal preference. And I’ve linked to songs that, for me, have fit the bill — you might hate all of them. You might also notice that many of these songs are “old” and thus “uncool.” To that I say — cool doesn’t matter if you’re just trying to get through 26 miles. Listen to what you like. Fuck being cool.
Katy Perry
The queen of my workout playlist, Perry’s songs are cliche riddled lyrical messes, but they’re inspiring as fuck when you’re covered in sweat salt and you’re only halfway up the big hill. Even songs of hers that I hate when I’m not running are suddenly better when sweaty. I can’t understand why. Her songs are an enigma.
Suggested tracks: Any, really, except ‘Ur So Gay’ because that one is just the worst.
Dad rock
My roommate/childhood bestie Hayley calls this “shed music” because it’s the sort of things our dads would listen to whilst doing yard work. No matter what you call it, white guys yelling about their feelings in the 1970’s and early 80’s are a great addition to your playlist.
Suggested tracks: The Who- Baba O’Reily. Queen & David Bowie- Under Pressure. And Bruce Springsteen’s Springsteenier songs.
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