Apparently Whole Foods Has a TV Show Now, and It's Full of 'Artisanal'

By Lindy West  |  January 24, 2014 | 3:00pm
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I know that every time I go shopping at Whole Foods, I leave with a tear in my eye and the fervent wish that the fun didn’t have to end. If only I could take all of the lumberjack hobbyists, armchair cheesemongers, and white couples who hate each other home with me and hang out with them in my living room! WELL GUESS WHOSE SARCASTIC FAKE DREAM JUST CAME TRUE.

Whole Foods’s new television program, Dark Rye, debuted last night on a cable network called Pivot, a.k.a. the “channel for Millenials” (FINALLY, young people can watch TV!!!). I did not watch it, but based on the trailer (above), it appears to be about:

1. Night-welding.

2. Wood-chopping.

3. White people krumping in a wetland.

4. Jewelry designers with mustaches.

5. Skateboarding near a fence.

6. Pagoda from the Royal Tenenbaums spinning plates. (What? Also, RIP.)

7. Cutting a board into several pieces.

8. Making artisanal jeans.

9. The kind of guys who wear plaid shirts and own anvils.

10. “Art” (UNDERLINED).

11. Rocking out.

12. Smelling something and then looking inside a big metal box.

13. The set of Hey Dude.

14. A sad cowboy.

15. A guy in shorts carrying lumber up a mountain.

16. Some asshole who probably thinks he’s better than you because he lives in a tree.

17. The bottom of a kid’s gross foot.

18. White people canoeing.

19. White people motorcycling.

20. A guy putting on a jacket.

21. White people sitting on barrels and playing guitars on a roof.

22. The kind of guys who wear plaid shirts and cross the street with women in vintage onesies and also another guy.

23. Clapping near soup.

24. A dying fish gasping desperately for oxygen while “KIRK LOMBARD” laughs in its face.

25. Sad cowboy rides away.

AND THAT’S EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT DARK RYE. I mean, it’s probably fine. Maybe it’s amazing! Here’s more info via the Austin Business Journal via Austinist:

The show, dubbed Dark Rye, is a spinoff from an online magazine of the same name launched by the Austin-based organic grocery giant in 2012. The show will be hosted by Kirk Lombard, a San Francisco area fisherman and forager.

According to the announcement, the first season of Dark Rye will explore things from “artists seeking social justice to entrepreneurs rebuilding Detroit to culinary masters maintaining sustainable food traditions.”

Sounds like your standard-issue semi-precious human interest show—”the story of the dreamers who became doers.” It reminds me of the stuff on the Esquire Network. W-evs. I’d watch it on a sick day.

The idea of grocery stores expanding their brands into other areas is HILARIOUS, though. Call me when I can buy tickets to Vons: The Opera or Romeo and Juliet and Piggly Wiggly.

 
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