This is not the wax figurine in question, but if you squint, it might be. Image: (AP)
What is your greatest wish, reader? Mine would be an intricate and gossip-filled First Monday In May rip-off centering on the chaos merchants behind the scenes at Madame Tussauds. I would even settle for a three-part docuseries on Lifetime, honestly! Why would I center a hard-to-come by wish on a museum known for their renditions of Paris Hilton’s chunky highlights? Well, they recently unveiled Ariana Grande wax figure. It did not go well! They recently posted the first images of their latest monstrosity after a voting process between “Classic Ari,”“Princess Ari,” and “Sassy Ari.” It’s clear that voters opted for the surgically grafted knee-high boot era.
But for a week now, Arianators have begged the company to “melt” the clearly haunted figurine. Even a comment by the High Ponytail herself was uncovered on @popcravenews’ Instagram: “i just wanna talk.” And while everyone has released searing takes on the deranged 2012 Instagram eyebrows and thick bottom liner, I haven’t stopped puzzling over her Sassy, Classic, and Princess forms. After some brief investigative work, I’d like to offer my alternatives:
Lamar Odom has finally released his hotly-anticipated memoir, Darkness to Light. And having lived through the Kris Jenner School of Spin, he artfully snuck it out after the traditionally slow Memorial Day to ensure he’d be the lede on Us Weekly. Congrats, dude! While long heralded as “explosive” and “game-changing” by American Media’s many outlets, I find the most pressing takeaway is the buried lede in a chapter on his many affairs while married to Khloe Kardashian.
