Charlize Theron and Sean Penn are 'Secretly Engaged'


This has just been a year of bad news, hasn’t it? Adding to the pile of shitty things that probably happened but are actually pretty minor in the grand scheme of things is the fact that Charlize Theron has allegedly said yes to a proposal from noted awful person Sean Penn.

According to a source who spoke to Us Weekly, the couple have decided to take their relationship to “the next level” after dating for 11 months. The pair allegedly got engaged in Paris in November. There’s currently no ring (according to the source, Theron’s just not the kind of woman who needs all that) but the two are “very committed to each other.”

Over at Uproxx, Stacey Ritzen lays out the reasons she doesn’t buy it:

I don’t know. At face value I don’t want to buy this, and not just because there’s no ring. (Seriously, no ring? You’re millionaires, just buy a pretty ring so all us plebeians can ooh and ahh over it, for f*ck’s sake.) Charlize Theron has never been married despite a prior nine-year relationship with Stuart Townsend, and Sean Penn has been married twice — most recently ending his 14-year marriage to Robin Wright in 2010 to immediately start dating Scarlett Johansson — so he doesn’t seem like the ideal candidate to inspire a sudden 180 on marriage.

Uh, wait, what? Penn dated Scarlett Johansson? How did I block this out and, more importantly, why did it happen? I emailed Ritzen to tell her she made a huge mistake and was sent links to disabuse me of my notion that she was just making shit up. It really happened (my own colleagues were surprised I didn’t know and/or had hit myself in the head repeatedly to forget) and this engagement might also be happening and maybe if we are all very lucky and wish real hard the world will explode in 2015 under the weight of its own awfulness.

“If it’s any consolation,” Ritzen wrote to me, “I would personally not fuck Sean Penn.”

Image via Getty

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