Crap Email From A Dude: "On The More Sympathetic Side, You Are The Shit And A Taurus"


It’s always a bad idea to try to model yourself after someone you have a crush on. It’s an especially bad idea to determine that your crush is “a headcase” and that you must woo them via psychological fuckery.

When Rex fell for Alice, he became “obsessed” with her, and decided that the best way to keep her attention was to make up various lies about his psychological state, making up everything from abuse allegations to an eating disorder to “suicide drama… just to fuck with you.” He then rates a perfect 10 on the douche-bro scale by adding a quick “woe is me, I know everyone thinks I’m an asshole,” coda that reminds us that he’s just a nice guy, ladies, who got caught up in a bad situation involving fairly serious mind games. What a gem! Let us read on together:

So Alice I’ve been wanting to send you an e-mail explaining some things. Of
course the e-mail medium sucks but so does the phone and I’m not going to
Hawaii…at least not for a while. I really fucked things up for the both
of us when we were quaintly “together”. I realize this is coming to you at
a poor time but it wouldent have needed to come at all had I not done what
I did. I lied about many many things to you. In fact I built myself around
the lies to get closer to you….?…. Shit, I was so obsessed with you
when I found out how much of a headcase you were I began to convert the
attention and power to focus on me. This was a horrible thing. However I
can sympathize with myself as at the time I was enamored with you. What
kind of things did I lie about? Well, niether my uncle/father/abuser every
really battered me, I’m not really anorexic(disordered eating mabye?), and
the whole suicide drama thing was just to fuck with you. Among the big
bad males of my story it was like thier negative arctype personas became
inflated as some kind of control mecanisim. Really I think it comes down
to having some serious maternal/oeipal troubles. Part of the reason also
driving me through writing this are the skewed and intense sexual values
at [school]. I’m having trouble here as well. Luckily for those around me
I’m an “asshole” so I don’t hurt as many people. You know how it goes?
anyway feel free to respond or not or call me “the most pathetic person
you’ve ever met”
on the more sympathtic side, you are the shit and a taurus

I think we can all agree on two things here: Rex has some serious issues, and “you are the shit and a taurus” is pretty much the greatest romantic sign off of all time. Shit and bull: a fitting end to a truly crap email from a dude.

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