Dear Beyoncé, Thank You for Inviting Me to Dinner


I always do my best not to brag about celebrity encounters because, frankly, it comes off as a little gauche. Believe me — I would love to talk up the time that I saw George Wendt coming out of TJ Maxx or the other time I stood in line behind Andrew from Buffy to buy a smoothie, but I don’t. It’s rude to make other people feel jealous, but today is a little bit of an exception because something happened to me this morning that’s too crazy to keep to myself.

I got a personal email from Beyoncé.

Right now, you’re probably saying stuff like “whaaaat” and “yeah, right,” but it’s true. I got an email from Beyonce and — this even crazier — she was inviting me to have dinner with her, Jay-Z and the President of the United States of America. Adoyoyoy, my mind is blown.

Here’s the email:

Friend (Author’s note: I can’t believe she knows that I like to be called friend)
I usually don’t email you — but I have an amazing invitation I have to share.
Jay and I will be meeting up with President Obama for an evening in NYC sometime soon. And we want you to be there!
Until midnight tonight, if you pitch in $25 or whatever you can, you’ll be automatically entered to be flown out to join us.
I’ve had the honor of meeting President Obama and the First Lady a few times — and believe me — it’s an opportunity you don’t want to miss.
Don’t worry about the airfare and hotel, it’s taken care of. And you can bring a guest.
But the countdown is on — this opportunity ends at midnight:…
Can’t wait to meet you!


Unfortunately, my reply saying that I would def be there kept bouncing back and now, as obnoxious as it is, I have to reach out to her here.

Dear B (I’m so glad that we’re at the level where I can call you “B”),
Thanks so much for the invitation. To be honest, I’ve been worrying about how you haven’t invited me over once in the four years since you and Jay got married. I understand the excitement of being newlyweds, but that’s no excuse to forget your friends (or me, Friend, specifically). But never mind all that. You’re inviting me now and I guess that’s what matters.
No doy, I’d love to come to your party. I’ve never met the President or First Lady before and you know how I like to meet new people. I assume that you’ll seat me in between the two of them so that I can hear everything that they say to one another and feel like a member of the family. I’ve always wanted to feel like I was is the First Family. Remember that Mandy Moore movie Chasing Liberty? Hahaha, that was the best. I would also be okay sitting between you and Jay, but only if you call me Blue Ivy instead of Madeleine and treat me like a baby — I know I haven’t gotten to interact much with your child (call me to babysit!), but I feel safe in assuming that I can be a better more entertaining daughter. It wouldn’t have to be forever, just for the evening. It would make feel so much more comfortable and I know you want your guests to feel comfortable.
Speaking of which, thanks for agreeing to put me up in a hotel, but I really think it would be easier if I stayed at your house. Don’t worry. It would be no trouble for me and I would really love to spend more time with you. Where does Blue Ivy sleep? I could probably just sleep where she sleeps. Or I could just sleep on the floor next to your bed. I’m a grateful guest, too — I will monitor your breathing all night and make sure that you guys stay safe. Safe as mice. (Is “safe as mice” a thing? I don’t know — LOL!)
I noticed you said something about a donation? Cash is really tight right now, all tied up in some bonds and stocks and definitely in the jar of change that I hide in under my bathroom sink. Hopefully, it will be okay if I skip that part. If you want I can bring a bottle of wine or a dish to pass, though — you know what — you probably have a whole concept that I don’t want to mess up so maybe I won’t bring anything. Cool? Cool.
Lastly is it okay if, instead of one friend I bring, like, 3-4 friends? Thanks, B! You’re the Bey-est! (Like “best,” but with Beyonce added.)

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