The latest arbitrary excuse for for unhealthy food restriction totally effective and science-based weight loss system is the Werewolf Diet, supposedly practiced by Madonna and Demi Moore, which helps people (lol @ “people”—shit like this is always for women) lose weight by tailoring their eating habits to the phases of the moon.
See, you know how the moon is a big magic magnet that makes the ocean get bigger and smaller using powers? (Note: I AM NOT TECHNICALLY A MOONOLOGIST.) This is called “the tides,” and it turns out that your body has a tide too that is also controlled by the moon. And you can use your body tide to help yourself lose weight, sometimes six pounds in one day! (Note: NO, YOU CAN’T.)
Here’s the ever-reliable Daily Mail with more information:
Though there are numerous variations of the diet, they essentially involve a liquid cleanse for a few days of the month; either at the full moon, new moon or beginning of a moon phase.
Fans of the diet claim the moon exerts the same gravitational pull on the water in our bodies as it does on the world’s oceans.
They claim this pull is biggest during a full and new moon, and undergoing a liquid fast during this time will enable the moon to flush toxins out of the body aiding weight-loss.
…Advising only the consumption of water and juice, one website, Moon Connection, explains: ‘It is critical that you start the diet on the very minute the moon phase begins.
‘If the new phase begins during the middle of the day, you can eat or drink whatever you want up until that minute – then start your 24-hour timer.’
The website, which echoes what most other Lunar and Werewolf diets say, explains that the moon will act with the water in the body to aid detoxification and weight loss.
‘Consuming more fluids will call on the power of the moon, stimulate renal activity, and allow your body to lose its excess water. This flushes out the toxins that accumulate in the body due to unhealthy foods, bad digestion, and stress, and provides a detoxifying effect that will strengthen your immune system.
WELP. THAT SOUNDS REASONABLE.
Being a consummate journalist, I did a little digging into what other amazing weight loss tips the mythical megafauna community has to offer. And you won’t believe what I found!!!
Centaur Diet: The key to dropping pounds fast is really strengthening your horse-core. It’s time to put the “stable” back in “stability ball”! Also you only eat grass.
Succubus Diet: Place a Craigslist ad for a wretched female ghoul who will creep in your window at night and suck out your soul. Souls are fat as shit.
Mermaid Diet: A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the weird slimy fish-body! #finspo
Ghost Diet: RUN! RUN! IT’S A FUCKING GHOST!!! FUCKING RUUUUUUUUN!!!!!
Ogre Diet: Remember—muscle weighs more than fat, and bones covered in muscle and fat weigh more than just plain bones.
Cyclops Diet: What if I told you that there was one weird trick that could help you lose 50% of your eyeball weight TODAY!? (The weird trick is a melon-baller.)