Fancy Dresses Are Looking Long And Strong


L’Oreal Paris held a gala on Wednesday to benefit Ovarian Cancer Research. There were a lot of beautiful, monochromatic dresses on the red carpet last night, and more than one ass was highly decorated.

I’m pleased as punch to see so many long sleeved gowns popping up on the red carpet. Kerry Washington’s slinky, bias-cut number is proof that the 1930’s really got it right when it came to making beautiful, long dresses. The only thing I’m not sold on is the choice of fabric. It looks a little wrinkly, and I can’t tell if it’s overworked satin or velvet that needs a good steaming, and the extra tail of fabric hanging from the back of her shoulder is awfully distracting.

IT’S LILY AND RUFUS VAN DER WOODSEN! Um, I mean it’s Kelly Rutherford and Matthew Settle, dressed eerily similar to their Gossip Girl characters, and attending a fancy benefit dinner much like their onscreen characters would. And now there’s online chatter about these two secretly dating, which can only mean one thing—that I should stop speculating on things I know nothing about. Wine red is a color that I find hard to wear on a gown. It can look too bloody and devious for me, but I think Kelly’s rocking it. I hate the criss-cross halter because it manages to separate and squash your boobs together at the same time, but I’m just nitpicking here. She looks great, and so does her boy toy. I kid. I kid.

So much pulchritude in one family! It’s amazing how much Andie MacDowell’s daughter, Sarah Margaret Qualley, looks like her, which is to say, like an absolute stunner. Andie’s dress is too confetti sparkles for my tastes, but there’s no argument that she’s wearing the hell out of the dress. Her daughter, Sarah, who, is sixteen and a budding model, is wearing my favorite gown of the night. I love the dusty green color. It’s an unusual color rarely seen on the red carpet, and I love the gathered details at the bust and waist. The sheer layers and the lace trim are the extra hot fudge on this already slammin’ hot fudge sundae. (Look Ma, bad metaphors!)

At first, I thought this was Natasha Bedingfield, but it turns out it’s Aimee Mullins, who according to Wikipedia, is an athlete, actor, and model who had to have both her legs amputated due to a medical condition, and walked in Alexander McQueen’s runway show “on a pair of hand-carved wooden prosthetic legs made from solid ash, with integral boots.” Cool. Looks like I’m about to sound like an extremely horrible person when I say that I really don’t like this dress on her. The main problem is the the weird ass-wig, or ass-toupée, that looks like it’s being held together by a clunky gold belt. I also don’t think a pompadour hairdo was a good choice. There. I was mean to a lady who has overcome adversity.

I get that some people are just not super into fashion, and I feel like Julianna Margulies might be one of those people. In my humble opinion, a good, simple way to dress for the red carpet, if you aren’t a risk-taker and are not into frills and frippery, is to go with a solid color, well-tailored dress. Julianna’s dress is all one color, but not a very sophisticated one. The bunching and the ruching and the unnecessary folding at the crotch (why are designers always trying to draw attention to the female crotch?) make this dress even more tragic. Taraji P. Henson’s dress is another crayon-colored dress to me, but at least, the ruching on her dress looks intentional and thought-out. It fits her perfectly, and her hair and makeup are perfect, as per usual. Not a big fan of the big-ass flower ring.

First thing I noticed about this picture: Michael Michele has gorgeous cheekbones. Second thing: She looks like a tall drink of teal water in that dress. Third: I think I might have an inexplicable bias against the color teal, but it looks gorgeous on her. Fourth: Why do I think bows look good on everything? And fifth: Well, except maybe as a decoration for one’s ass-cleavage, but actually, on second thought, maybe even then.

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