Forget the Italian Olympic Swimmers, I’m Trying to Get Rucked by the Spanish Rugby Team

Technically, they’re not competing in the Olympics, but the algorithm gods delivered their TikToks to my For You Page and every single one of these men could patatas my bravas, if you know what I mean.

By Audra Heinrichs  |  August 1, 2024 | 4:45pm
Screenshot: TikTok LatestOlympics Paris Olympics
Forget the Italian Olympic Swimmers, I’m Trying to Get Rucked by the Spanish Rugby Team

This week, the terminally online and Olympics-obsessed found new fixations in the very Michelangelo’s Davidesque form of the Italian men’s swim team and a few Matrix-adjacent pistol pointers from Turkey and South Korea. Hey, I understand their appeal. Who doesn’t like a man harboring the truly haunted eyes of a Renaissance painting behind his goggles or a woman with a razor-sharp bob and lethal aim? However, I’m of the mind that neither is much of a match for the muscled, mustachioed, and yeah, mulleted, roster of the Spanish rugby team.

Because I am a woman who is occasionally—often mindlessly—horny online, my TikTok algorithm currently scrolls like a who’s who of Olympic sex symbols. Thomas Ceccon, I see you. Matt Anderson, what’s good? Suni Lee, please drop your skincare routine and your number in my DMs. Until recently, I was prepared to take home the medal in polympics—even if I know virtually nothing of sports and misuse the jargon solely to amuse myself. But then, my For You page introduced me to Spain’s male rugby team…

@ferugby

Un poco de flamenco @Manumoreno 🕺🏽 #rugby #fyp #rugbytok #rugbysevens #españarugby #deportesentiktok

♬ sonido original – España Rugby

On Wednesday, the algorithm gods gifted me with this video, which shows the team of 15 of the most genetically gifted men—in various states of undress, by the way—I’ve ever seen, dancing flamenco and doing other slutty little things in the locker room. No, really. I know that sounds like the start of a superior gay porn scene but it’s real. Because I don’t understand rugby and couldn’t name a single player on my own country’s team—not even if this diva held a pistol to my head—it took at least 10 minutes to identify the unequivocal star of the video: Manu Moreno, the 25-year-old wing with loose hips and [redacted] lips.

Watching him stomp shirtless with a rhythm my German American self couldn’t muster even with a bottle of Rioja in my bloodstream, stirred something within me. So, I stalked him on social media. My results: He’s a sartorially-inclined Aquarius and a family man. In fact, he likes his brother so much, that he once posted a photo that prompted many (me) to wonder if it was a hard launch. Still, with a team like his, I want to play the field. Thus, I revisited the roster and fell further in lust with Juan Ramos Martin, the team’s 28-year-old Libra who plays a position called *checks notes* scrum-half? Whatever. Scrum-who-gives-a-fuck. Look at him stretching. Unfortunately, a quick perusal of his Instagram revealed he’s happily taken. Either that, or he’s very close to his sister.

So, I returned to the roster and zeroed in on Pol Pla. Here are his stats: 31 years old, full back, another Aquarius, and very much a father. Is he taken? Unclear. Am I ready to be some kid’s step-mother? Crystal, babe.

Anyway, you get it. Even if they’re not available, they’re all hot. Even the one with the A.C. Slater coif and accompanying rattail. What was significantly less cut and dry is why only a corner of the internet seems to have caught on. Well, in short: Spain didn’t actually qualify to compete in the Olympics this summer. The video I saw was from their regular season this June and they’ve just so happened to go viral as the Paris Games rage on. Yes, I was so taken by this team that I simply assumed they were competing since cheering on (read: sexualizing) the world’s athletes seems to be the only thing people really care about at the moment.

If you’re interested in Olympic rugby teams, the U.S. men’s team is…OK, and the U.S. women’s team just made the semifinals. Of course, there’s also Ilona Maher who’s an absolute star—on and off the pitch.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Aren’t you a journalist? Isn’t it a vital part of your profession to verify dates and generally pay attention to captions? Yes and yes. But I’m also just a girl…scrolling on her little phone…asking for it to distract her from the horrors. Fortunately, judging by the comments section of half of these videos (and the search bar), I’m not alone. There’s an entire league of us rooting for a team that is literally on siesta.

Oh, well. Come the regular season, I’ll be seated.

 
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