Goop Takes to the High Seas

Goop Takes to the High Seas

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a multi-thousand-dollar wellness vacation cruise sponsored by Gwyneth Paltrow! According to Page Six, the Goop CEO has partnered with the Celebrity Apex cruise line for a multi-day experience on the Mediterranean Sea departing from Barcelona on August 26, and making stops in Spain, France and the Italian Rivera. The journey ends on September 2.

In addition to the cruise, which will set luxury wellness junkies back a cool $4,049 per suite, there’s a special day-long event on August 30. It costs an additional $750. Details have yet to be revealed, but USA Today reports that the day-event is “inspired by the company’s ‘In Goop Health’ summits,” so I assume it’s just a scammy conference. “With goop at Sea, we’ll be invoking that adventurous spirit with a series of transformative experiences led by a few of our most-trusted wellness practitioners and healers,” Paltrow wrote in an announcement. “I love being on the water, I love being by the water and I love being in the water.”

Great. But what, pray tell, could a Goop cruise even entail? Like, it’s nice of them to sell tickets without any real details, but what are her loyal minions shelling out for? Here are some ideas.

  • Experimental vaginal steaming, but it’s underwater.
  • Complimentary, open-bar, sober-curious meals.
  • Scuba diving, but the air tank is laced with CBD.
  • Yoni eggs made of precious gold doubloons excavated from sunken pirates ships along the Med.
  • A diffuser in each suite made of recycled Tarot cards and crushed sand crystals from Croatian beaches.
  • Instead of the three prolonged horn blasts often emitted by a cruise ship when departing, the sound of a woman having an orgasm will broadcast for all to hear.

All aboard.

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