Hail Satan, Ryan Murphy


There has been absolutely nothing exciting about American Horror Story since Myrtle Snow screamed “BALENCIAAAAGAAAAAA” before being burned at the stake in the show’s third season, but buckle up, nerds: That changes now!

Honestly, there is so much happening in the trailer for American Horror Story: Apocalypse that I am having a hard time figuring out who is back and what is going on, but I’m down to figure it out for myself.

This season is a crossover of the best two seasons, both of which coincidentally feature a large building as their centerpiece. The house in Coven—a giant, crumbling manse in New Orleans surrounded by big trees covered in Spanish moss—was scary then and is scary now, in its latest iteration as what might be a home for a bunch of randos after the apocalypse has come.

There’s Sarah Pauslon, dressed as a mean Victorian woman! “Welcome to Outpost 3,” she says. Madam… thank you. Let’s see who else is around: Delphine LaLaurie (Kathy Bates), the reanimated racist; zombies; Joan Collins; Evan Petersen with very bad blonde hair; Billy Eichner screaming “Coco, do NOT leave me in Santa Monica!” as airplanes fall out of the sky and chaos abounds.

“HAIL SATAN,” I scream to myself, as Sarah Paulson’s voiceover informs the residents of Outpost 3 that there is to be no “unauthorized copulation.” “Hail Satan?” I wonder, as the man in the gimp suit from Murder House scurries across the ceiling like a wily spider. Hail Ryan Murphy—bald, discerning, eyes of ice and steel—who has effectively convinced me to watch this show once again.

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