Happy National Ex-Spouse Day, You Broken, Detestable Loser

By Mark Shrayber | April 14, 2015 | 9:05pm

In Depth

If National Proposal Day
didn’t make you feel like the piece of garbage that you are because no one’s marrying you, there’s another national holiday to remind you that we all die alone, especially if your marriage has failed, as divorce is the mark of your true and irreconcilable shortcomings as a human being.

What? You had no idea that today — exactly two months after Valentine’s day — was a day to celebrate your former spouse? You didn’t even know that celebrating your ex was a possibility or something people would even consider doing because, duh, they’re your ex for a reason? Well, I have some exciting news: Not only is today possible, but it is mother.fucking.mandatory. Not just because it’s a national holiday, no, but because by just reading these words you have no choice but to think back on all your exes (I’m going to be especially unkind and let you know that people you didn’t marry do count) and watch a mind movie about all the things you ever did wrong in every relationship ever.

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This holiday? Bullshit. But it does give you a chance to reflect on how great it is that you’re not in some relationships anymore. Like with that one guy who cheated on you. Or that other dude that told you he wrote you a poem but had actually stolen the poem from a book and just copied it onto a piece of paper which he later crumpled to make it look like “it’s fucking, like, parchment, baby. Can’t you tell?” Or the person that told you that they “needed to realize their full potential as a human being” and later you found out that realizing their full potential meant sleeping with your best friend and then also telling everyone that you were into toe stuff?

You feeling like this yet?

According to USA Today, National Ex-Spouse Day is supposed to be a time of positive reflection on what was surely an excellent relationship before it completely fell apart and someone ended up with herpes as an indelible reminder that even once your ex is gone their memory will always stay with you as a painful red burn on your genital areas (real thing that happened to someone I know). In fact, even celebrities are getting into the spirit of National Ex-Spouse Day. Celebrities like Camille Grammer, who’s happily reflecting on her relationship with Kelsey Grammer even though he seems like a horrible person
and his only saving grace is that he was responsible for Girlfriends, which is still the best show on television (FIGHT ME!) and also brought Tracee Ellis Ross into our lives. I tried to look for other celebrities celebrating this day but Camille seems to be the only one. I wonder if there’s an ex-friend day, too, because I just learned that she and Allison Dubois are no longer friends, which is good because Allison Dubois is nothing like Patricia Arquette on Medium. Also, Patricia Arquette is not celebrating National Ex-Spouse day even though she has been married to both Nicolas Cage and Thomas Jane.

While Camille is choosing to celebrate this day by being positive, I suggest you do so by going out, having an awesome time and actually forgetting that your most horrible ex ever existed. You should also probably text them to say “the best revenge is living well” and then send them a picture of you just chilling and loving life despite the fact that they left a giant poop-colored smear on your history. Because if you don’t, how will they know how awesome you look right now holding that margarita?

But here’s the worst part: What if your ex is celebrating National Ex-Spouse Day and you’re the horrible ex? That’s actually probably the most frightening part of the whole thing. I may think that I was an awesome boyfriend on whom there was no reason to step out on, but what if my ex thinks I was an awful monster who refused to ever go home (true) and once woke him up in the middle of the night and yelled at him for wetting the bed even though I totally knew it was me because only one of us had drunk a gallon of water before retiring for the evening. What if he remembers all that? And what if he’s talking about it to other people? Do you do anything? Do you check in to pre-empt that kind of malicious gossip? Do you just slide into his DMs, even though you haven’t talked for years and say, “Hey, you don’t remember that time I tried to run a mouse hospice, do you? I hope you’re not telling people about that! Looking good, by the way. You can’t even tell that you’ve lost more hair.”

Or maybe you just do that other thing I mentioned: Drink and forget this day ever existed. But, like, in a positive and reflective way.

Today’s other holidays include: Children With Alopecia Day, National Be Kind to Lawyers Day and Reach as High as You Can Day (among others).

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