Happy New Year to Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott, Specifically

By Joan Summers  |  January 2, 2020 | 3:30pm
CelebritiesDirt Bag
Happy New Year to Zooey Deschanel and Jonathan Scott, Specifically
Screenshot:Zooey Deschanel (Instagram)

Love is pure. Love is kind. Love is earnest. Love is (generally) true. Love will fill your life with joy. Love will also overflow it with laughter. Love will have you lose your mind, probably. And most especially, Love will make you comment on your girlfriend’s Instagram post: “New Years Resolution…continue being the kinda fella you deserve. ❤️” Especially if your name is Jonathan Scott, or Zooey Deschanel!

Looking back, it was a busy year for the lovebirds. After meeting on James Corden’s accursed Carpool Karaoke, the two likely fell under its dastardly spell. They left that carpool in love. Jonathan later teased their blossoming relationship on Instagram, telling his followers: “Met some great humans today. We had fun. I think I’ll keep them.” (Corden, meanwhile, stayed silent on the effects Carpool Karaoke had on one’s ability to write non-corny Instagram captions.) A month later, Deschanel would officially make her relationship public—on Instagram, anyway. After attending Universal Studio’s “Horror Night” with the Property Brothers, she captioned a photo: “Still processing how scared I was of these people dressed in spooky masks.” At the time, I believed she was probably talking about Jonathan and Drew Scott, whose haunted Property Brothers personas are just as frightening as a rotting zombie, or spooky ghost. I couldn’t have been more wrong!

The signs were there all along. Love, aided by James Corden’s curse, had these two firmly in grips by December. At a screening for Star Wars: Rise of Skywalker, Deschanel posed with Jonathan and announced “This is a good movie!”—even though it was categorically not. A few days later, Scott and Deschanel both would pose with Christmas cookies decorated to look like them, writing: “When you surround yourself with amazing, creative people…the result is magical :)“ The curse had officially consumed their minds.

And then, a mere 11 hours ago, the two posted matching Instagram photos, looks of love spread wide across their faces, eyes piercing through my phone screen, directly into my heart, where I once told myself this relationship probably wouldn’t last. Jokes on me!

Scott’s is nearly identical, save for his choice to style the photo as a selfie rather than a professionally produced moment. But what I’d like to draw attention to is his caption on Deschanel’s post, which ominously declares: “New Years Resolution…continue being the kinda fella you deserve ❤️” Fella…. fella…. fella? That is a truly cursed way of describing yourself. James Corden’s reign of karaoke terror continues! [People]

How much money would you make Sharon Osbourne pay you before running into her burning home to save some ugly, polyester wrap dresses from burning to a crisp? I ask because the embattled talk show host and recent facelift-haver has not been able to escape the negative press surrounding her firing of an assistant for that very reason. Page Six reports that Osbourne first told the story on British game show Would I Lie To You?, where she revealed her cruelty as a boss, and person who really cares about her worldly belongings.

Allegedly, husband Ozzy lit a candle that later caught the house on fire. After escaping, Osbourne “went to rouse Ozzy’s sleeping assistant in the guest house” to order him to run back inside and “get the paintings out.” She even claimed to take the oxygen mask from the assistant, and give it to her dog. Later, she fired him for not finding the incident funny, bluntly telling him: “Well, if you didn’t find that funny, how about this — you’re fired.” Yikes!

Whether or not the incident is true, it’s still a catastrophically bad look to joke about endangering your assistant, let alone cruelty firing them, on a televised game show. Regardless, let me offer some advice to the assistant, or anyone reading this: If your boss does demand that you perform a similar task, use the opportunity to rob them! Not only do they deserve to have their possessions nicked, its the perfect alibi! “Huh, must have burned down, or something.” That’s what I would do, at least. And I’m sure that just one of the Osbourne’s paintings was worth more than what she had paid her assistant that year. [Page Six]

My heart is full.

What is happening in this Miley Cyrus retrospective?