Hey, Everybody: Today I Went to The Olive Garden! A Photo Essay

By Mark Shrayber  |  July 20, 2014 | 8:07am
In Depth

The Olive Garden is one of the finest places to eat in America. The restaurant serves delicious Italian cuisine prepared exclusively in the world’s best plastic bags and you can also eat unlimited bread sticks and soup. (Pro tip 1: Never eat your entree at the restaurant even if they bring it to the table. Have soup or salad instead and take your entree home!) (Pro tip 2: The Olive Garden has a wonderful “if it’s on the table you can take it home” rule. Remember to ask for extra breadsticks before you leave!)

The O.G. (what I call it) in San Jose is the nicest one I have been to. It only opened in November! Our server laughed nervously when I invited her to treat me like family and said “hospitaliano” loudly to make sure she knew I enjoy The O.G’s frequent television commercials.

Here is what happened when I demanded to grate my own cheese:

Uh-oh! I tried to hide it, but our eagle-eyed server caught me! The taste of the cheese enhanced the flavor of my mezzaluna (that means half-moon in Italian) (I think) ravioli, which came under a sauce of cream of mushroom soup and crispy onions. (To be enjoyed at home!)

I asked to take the cheese home:

Oh ho Ho! What bounty is this! (The plate on the left featured a delicious chocolate mousse that was rich, creamy AND, most importantly, featured on the restaurant’s “3 courses for $11.99” menu!

After dessert, we were presented with the most delicious mints in the world:

At first we were given only three (3) mints, but I raised a fuss and was provided with six (6) more. One time in 2009 I was given an entire child’s souvenir cup full of mints by a nice waiter who found my trying to pay in lira charming. Both the cup and the mints were mine to keep for free! I still have the cup. (I ate the mints.)

On the way home, my friend refused to let me sit in the front seat even though I asked politely twice (2 times). In retaliation, I gave her a side pony because she is a bad friend who deserves only bad things and not hospitaliano.

I did that! She was not pleased!

Today I also went to the water park and rode all the rides, including the park’s scariest: Bombs Away! Here is a video of the ride I found on YouTube!

I almost did not go but there was a mean kid right in front of me who kept asking why I was so scared so I had to show him. He had been on the slide twenty five (25) times and told me that I probably (probably) wouldn’t die. He also mocked a small child who refused to be dropped straight down twenty (20) feet for being a wimp. That would not happen to me!

I asked the slide operator whether she had been on the ride before but she had not because it was too scary. Luckily, I took several beta blockers before I entered the park so I was literally unable to produce a fear response. (That is why I also braved the wave pool where I promptly swallowed three (3) to five (5) gallons of chlorinated urine.)

What a good day!

 
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