For some people, the holidays are when you play football and eat stuffing until you feel like a hot air balloon. For others, it’s when you stock up on anti-anxiety meds and slip two bottles of vodka into your suitcase.
For most people, it’s a little bit of both; a time to reconnect with your parents, cousins and whoever else happens to be invited, while trying not to stab your mother with the carving fork every time she asks you when you’re getting married.
We all know the holidays are an exercise in patience, fortitude and alcohol consumption; an already precarious time when throwing anything besides relatives, booze and gift-giving into the mix could potentially result in a red and green Chernobyl.
This is why bringing your partner home for the holidays requires extra care and consideration. In fact, you would be well-advised to think about your trip as a special ops mission and prepare accordingly. If it is good enough to get the Marines in and out of Baghdad with minimal casualties, it might work for getting your partner in and out of Buffalo.
Plan of Attack
Obviously, the first step is to give your mission a fun name, like “Operation Deck the Halls with Homos.” This will help to keep planning light and fun and relieve the tension when your mom’s had one too many eggnogs and is asking your girlfriend if she’s ever had a boyfriend. Once you have your code name, begin strategizing. Clearly, YOU CAN”T PLAN FOR EVERYTHING. For example, your uncle getting drunk and telling everyone at the table about his love for Nigerian prostitutes, causing your Women’s Studies girlfriend to start fingering her steak knife. You can, however, plan for the fact that your mother will be stressed out about the turkey that won’t fit in the oven and your father will have too many scotches while watching the football game. Basically, we’re saying that if your family drinks as much as ours do, all bets are off.
Plotting out various scenarios and your responses will leave both you and your partner feeling calmer and more prepared, as now you at least have some OPTIONS. For instance, maybe you want to drive instead of flying because scrambling to find an earlier flight out can be expensive! Keep your ultimate objective in mind at all times, whether it’s fostering familial devotion towards your significant other or just getting out without anyone having to breathe into a paper bag.
Camouflage
If your parents are not yet down with the gay, MAYBE your partner shouldn’t wear a suit to Christmas dinner, or the “I Love Fisting” tshirt you bought her for Fisting Day. Just saying. It’s not that you shouldn’t express yourself, but sometimes it’s good to blend in a little. I love my jeans and I feel like myself when I wear them – I realize, however, that sometimes it’s just not appropriate to wear jeans. I’m not saying your girlfriend should put on a dress if she’s more on the masculine end of the spectrum and end up looking like RuPaul’s Drag Race: Thanksgiving Edition; however, maybe there is a happy medium. Are pantsuits still a thing? Do people wear those? Look into it.
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