How to Bone to Ariana Grande's Christmas & Chill Album

By Clover Hope  |  December 18, 2015 | 8:55pm
Entertainment

Think about Christmas for a second. Sex is probably the first thing that comes to mind. How do you think Jesus got here? (…Never mind) Knowing everyone’s desire to have sexual intercourse on Christ’s Born Day, Ariana Grande blessed us with a Christmas album we can all bone to.

Christmas & Chill—it says so in the title—isn’t just your standard festive Christmas album made for celebrating joy, family and the birth of baby Jesus. Make no mistake, this is a sex album under the guise of a holiday project—an “EP” as she’s calling it. Whatever. The album was created solely for the purpose of getting and maintaining ass (the “Chill” part), specifically around Christmastime.

Is it a good album? For the purpose of sexing, yes. This is a solid set of six catchy deliberate slow jams set to a breathy pace (not joking: “Wit It This Christmas” is my fave), with tons of Xmas references and twinkling sound effects. Who wouldn’t want to fuq to a Christmas album? But how? How do you do it? Easy. Instructions below.

What you’ll need:

  • 3 Mistletoes
  • 7 feet of decorative garland (in silver)
  • Yule log 😉
  • A tree skirt
  • A stuffed, plush Santa doll
  • A miniature Christmas tree
  • Lube
  • One lone gold ornament
  • A test tube filled with snow
  • 2 tiny elves
  • 17 Stockings
  • A figurine of a nativity scene
  • An open mind

Where to do it:

  • AirBnB log cabin
  • Fireplace
  • Sleigh (Alternative: outdoor shed)
  • On the yule log
  • On the tree skirt
  • A nativity scene
  • Under Christmas tree (if you’re boring. Note: may be prickly)
  • Holiday decoration aisle at Home Depot
  • Under the stars on a warm, 70-degree winter night

What to say (aka, 7 things every man wants to hear on Christmas):

  • “Come and kiss me baby, we don’t need no mistletoe”
  • “Be my drummer boy, I’m the only drum that you’re gonna play”
  • “I am down for somebody’s milk and cookies”
  • “You’ll be my drummer boy”
  • “I’m just trying to keep my baby warm through the winter time”
  • “Whatever is on your list, I’ll do it”
  • “Merry Christmas, here I am, boy”

Happy fuckin’!

Contact the author at [email protected].

Image via Getty

 
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