JLo Broke Up With Marc Anthony Hours Before Schmoozing with Will and Kate

CelebritiesDirt Bag

By now, unless you’ve been living under a rock or too busy caring about things that are actually relevant to your life, you know that Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting opposite-married (“divorced”) after spending the last seven years in a state of wedded something or other. But it’s just been revealed that in addition to the sting of having his wife leave him, JLo ended it just hours before they were to sit at a head table with Duke Bill and Duchess Shinylocks last week. JLo confused other attendees by bringing her mother instead of her husband and by showing up sans wedding ring.

I, like many people who sometimes think about things that are not really their business, wonder what went down between them. I seem to recall that they were pretty braggy about how in love they were when they first got surprise married, and thus this celebrity divorce feeds into my theory that the proportion of public breath spent on talking about a relationship plus the number of times “whirlwind” is mentioned in the context of the relationship is directly proportional to the likelihood that the celebrity couple will divorce. In mathematical terms- (B+W)^p/100 predicts Divorce, where B is bragging percentage, W is “whirlwind” use, p is number of previous marriages between the two. [Daily Mail]

  • Lady Gaga’s website has been hacked. Digital ne’er-do-wells stole fan information including names and email addresses. I hope Law & Order does an episode about this with its typical fashion, which is to say that the writers don’t know much about computers but they don’t care so they just toss a bunch of computer related words together in a sort of nonsensical goulash. “Someone has hacked the singer’s mainframe! Let’s email the source code before the hard drive gets wiped! Floppy disc!” [Contact Music]
  • Our Lady of the Gaga may be teaming up with Cher on a remix of a track that Gaga wrote for her. Unfortunately, Gaga specified on Twitter that it’s for “the gays,” which I guess means that I can’t listen to it. [ONTD]
  • Hugh Hefner fake-reflected on fake-ex-fiancee Crystal Harris leaving him days before their fake-wedding day. He’s fake-sad that she was fake-interested in him only for the fake-fame. I fake empathize, and I’m fake surprised at how fake strong Hef is being in this time of fake upheaval. [ONTD]
  • Enrique Iglesias (or, if you prefer to use the Anglicized version of his name, Henry Churches) says he was unpopular with the chicas when he was a niño. And then he grew up to be a super hot music star and he gets to make out with Anna Kornikova all so pardon me if no estoy llorando now, Henry, okay? [Showbiz Spy]
  • David and Victoria Beckham have released pictures of their new daughter Harper Seven (one here, another at the link). The great thing about Harper Seven is that you don’t really need to have seen Harpers One through Six to follow the plotline (although there’s a rumor that the movie about Harper Seven will be split into two films). [ONTD]
  • Becks debuted some new pink kicks in honor of his little girl. The shoes have all four of his children’s names embroidered on them. Only David Beckham could wear pink shoes covered in embroidery and not be razzed incessantly. [JustJared]
  • Chuckles Sheen‘s ex, Brooke Mueller, is going to Mexico for drug treatment that’s illegal in the US called ibogaine. Since I’ve seen an episode of CSI that prominently featured ibogaine, I feel like I have a bit of expertise on this sort of matter, and from that CSI-derived expertise I can offer the following analysis: ibogaine is serious and scientists are always sexy. [TMZ]
  • And here’s a rumor that Chuckles and Brooke (celebrity couple name- Brookles?) might get back together. I started reading the story, and sort of slogged my way through until the part where it said that Paris Hilton is mad at Brooke for some reason or another and my eyes started crossing. To summarize: famewhore clusterfuck. [ONTD]
  • Rupert Grint hasn’t had enough acting and isn’t going to retire. I think he should replace the guy who plays Jim on The Office, because the charm of John Krasinski (or Jim the character; I have difficulty separating the two) has transformed from “floppy but lovable golden retriever of a self-effacing slacker” to “smug married yupster dad” before my very eyes, and it makes me sad. Grint would bring much-needed lopsided grinning insecurity to the role, plus I’d love to see Krasinski Dick York’d. [Contact Music]
  • Like every single person in the entire world, JK Rowling was bullied as a youngster. [Daily Mail]
  • Justin Timberlake has accepted Cpl. Kelsey de Santis’ invitation to the Marine Corps Ball. Part me of me wants to go “Aw, Justin! You really are bringing sexy back!” but the cynical part of me thinks that it’s just ultra creative marketing on the part of whoever is behind his new movie Friends with Benefits, because it seems a liiiittle fishy that the other high-ish profile star who was just asked to a military function just magically happens to be his co-star, Mila Kunis and the movie just so happens to be in theaters right now. [ONTD]
  • Jenna Fischer is really, really, really, really pregnant. [Just Jared]
  • Lil’ Wayne‘s tour is booze free backstage and his tour bus is 100% dry, as the tiny strange rapping man is committed to the terms of his probation, which require him to be sober for three years. Fortunately for the sanity of anyone stuck attending a Lil’ Wayne concert, spectators are allowed to drink alcohol. [TMZ]
  • Image via AP
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