Keeping Up With Michele Bachmann


Michele Bachmann, who was at one point known for staring off toward the choir invisible during a State of the Union response that nobody asked for, is now a serious contender to be the first female President of the United States of America.

Not a joke! She sounded so unexpectedly reasonable at the GOP debates that she’s now polling in second place, behind grown up Eddie Munster and his unflappable hair. The media has caught wind of the fact that Bachmann’s being taken seriously and has become alarmed. Cue the frenzied digging and endless interviews with the Minnesota Congresswoman, lest we forget that, at her core, she’s really, really, really out there, ideas-wise.

Without further ado, here’s the news from Lake Homo-be-gone, where all the women hate the government, all the men are gay-fixing, and all the children have verifiable American birth certificates.

  • Fox News’ Chris Wallacebasically patted her on the head and called her an adorable scamp in an interview with her this morning, asking her if she’s a flake and then reminding her that she needs to “be careful” now that she’s in the spotlight. If there’s anything I dislike more than Michele Bachmann being a serious political candidate, it’s Chris Wallace talking to her like she’s a stupid high school cheerleader running for city council. Stupid people have no problem making themselves look stupid without any help. If Wallace wanted to expose her for being a flake, he should have asked serious questions and let her show the viewers that she’s a flake. Acting like a patronizing dick doesn’t make the subject look like a flake, it makes the interviewer look like a patronizing dick.
  • A less-insulting inquiry by the Los Angeles Times highlights the fact that Tea Party Express horn tooting Bachmann has actually received $30,000 in government subsidies for a clinic her husband runs (cure the gay!), and a family farm in which Bachmann is a partner has received more than a quarter million dollars in federal farm subsidies. She’s also spoken publicly against the stimulus and then asked for stimulus money for projects in her district.
  • Michele Bachmann’s spine is made of titanium, says Michele Bachmann, which leads me to believe even more strongly that she’s a Deceptacon and her candidacy is an elaborate stunt by Michael Bay to promote the new Transformers film. I suppose a titanium spine is good if what you look for in a leader is rigidity, durability, and shininess.
  • She’s also suggested that we amend the US Constitution to define marriage as between one man and one woman, in light of the vote in New York to allow people to be legally bound to the person of their choosing. However! In Bachmanndia, not every part of America would be required to participate in the Gay Shame Parade; states would have the right to allow civil unions if they so chose. Gay marriage is a lot like medical marijuana in that way.
  • Bachmann is from Stillwater, Minnesota, which is an idyllic little town near the border between Wisconsin and Minnesota that contains “no black people.” (Rolling Stone‘s Matt Taibbi caught some flack for his story on Bachmann that makes this point, as it relied a little too heavily on some previously written pieces and fails to credit them.) I’ve been to Stillwater, Minnesota many a time in my life, and while I can’t say it looks like a “Currier and Ives set piece,” it does have an excellent high school cross country team and a downtown full of tourist trap shops that sell dream catchers and garden chimes and signs that say “Willkommen!” that you’re supposed to hang over the door to your cabin. I can also attest to the fact that there’s at least one black person in Stillwater.
  • Michele Bachmann has chosen the unfortunately named Waterloo, Iowa as the location from which she’ll officially launch her 2012 Presidential campaign on Monday.
  • Minnesota, armée, Joséphine.
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