Poop ruins everything. And at the Holiday Village Red Sea resort in Egypt, it’s ruining everyone’s vacations. Because British tourists (probably members of One Direction) are finding fun and merriment by relieving themselves of their lunch in the still blue waters of the resort pools. Is it a trend? Well, the hotel is threatening heavy fines, so maybe.
According to Death and Taxes, the pool poop craze isn’t just limited to this one resort. Apparently, other pools all over the globe have had to be closed because tourists with a horrible sense of humor (I am assuming teens; I am hoping teens) have decided to take poop jokes to a whole new level. Not content to just throw a candy bar into the pool (fuck you, whoever is wasting chocolate that way), they’re actually emptying their bowels amidst, I imagine, howls of laughter and cries of “I pooped all over you! Swim in my shit, turdblossom!” at such high frequency that a pool at a Holiday Village in Turkey had to be closed nine times due to free-floating shit. Nine times. Don’t these people have the internet? Don’t they realize they’re ruining their own vacations, too? NINE MOTHERFUCKING TIMES? What are you, bears? Because you’re doing it wrong; bears shit in the woods.
I have only been involved in a pool pooping incident once, and that was a horrible few hours that I had to sit in the sun and pretend not to be angry at the baby who had been so excited by the beautiful azure waters of the Pink Flamingo Resort in Santa Rosa that he had immediately dropped all of his children off to enjoy the cool, fresh liquid as well. When the pool reopened the baby went right on back in, but he also didn’t shit again. Because even a baby knows not to blow a booty bubble in public waters more than once. Nine times? Are you kidding me? Do I need to write a letter to my congressman?
The Holiday Village resorts are so upset over this that they’ve actually had to release a letter to address the issue of unauthorized materials in their aquatic facilities. Anyone now caught performing rectal functions (I imagine of any variety) (public anal sex can also lead to things like poop and, worse, Santorum) in the pool will be fined over $2,000 and immediately ousted from the resort without any sort of refund.
Aside from this being pretty revolting, logging is also dangerous for the health and safety of others. Travel law expert Nick Harris told The Daily Mail the following:
[This]’worrying’ craze has taken off in the last few years. We have dealt with hundreds of cases where people have been left seriously ill. Some idiots think it is humorous to deliberately poo in a crowded pool and then sit back and watch the carnage unfold as people try to escape the pool like a panic scene from the film Jaws.”
I didn’t even think of that whole Jaws scenario, possibly because I would be horrified to think that any of my bodily functions could affect people in this way. Yes, it’s true that we’re digesting little particles of poop all day long (they’re in the air, ain’t nothing you can do), but for the love of god, let’s just keep it to particles, not actual pieces of turd that someone has freshly baked and broken off.
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