Love Is Dead and I Blame Tom Brady

Gisele Bündchen and her hot jiu-jitsu teacher Joaquim Valente have split, with sources citing the outsized negative attention brought on by Tom Brady's roast. 

Dirt Bag
Love Is Dead and I Blame Tom Brady

Tom Brady and his choices have led to the implosion of yet another relationship—this time, it’s one he’s not even a part of. Brady’s ex Gisele Bündchen and her hot jiu-jitsu teacher-beau Joaquim Valente have split, according to a Thursday report in InTouch Weekly. InTouch Weekly’s source said that in the aftermath of Brady’s Netflix comedy roast—which was predictably rife with jokes about Bündchen and Valente’s relationship—the “spotlight was too much” for Valente, who’s “a regular guy” and is “not used to all the attention he was getting.”

“Joaquim became part of the joke. People actually started asking him if he was the reason for their divorce,” the source continued. “He hated that.” Consequently, Bündchen “blames the break on Tom [Brady]” because “by agreeing to do the roast, he basically put a target on Joaquim’s back.”

During the roast, Kevin Hart had particularly crass jokes prepared about the implosion of Brady and Bündchen’s relationship and Valente’s alleged role in it: “You sometimes got to fuck your coach,” Hart said, first referencing Brady ditching New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick when he transferred to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 2020. “You know who else fucked their coach? Gisele. She fucked that karate man,” he then added about Valente. “I mean Jesus Christ, Tom. One of the smartest quarterbacks ever played a game. How did you not see this coming? Eight karate classes a day and she’s still a white belt. … The only bruises she had were on her ass.”

Prior to reports of their split, and how Bündchen blames this on Brady’s comedy roast, her camp has been perfectly clear that she’s pissed he agreed to do the roast at all. One source close to Bündchen told Page Six in May that she believed Brady “once again put football before his family.” People similarly reported that Bündchen was “deeply disappointed” by the “irresponsible” jokes about her. Within days, Brady said he “didn’t like the way that [the roast] affected my kids” and said he “wouldn’t do that again, because of the way that affected actually the people that I care about the most in the world.”

Bündchen and Valente’s relationship, with him as her martial arts teacher, first raised eyebrows around the time of her and Brady’s divorce in the fall of 2022—especially when Valente joined Bündchen and her kids on vacation. It wasn’t until February that the two confirmed their relationship had become romantic, but “insiders” close to Brady contended that it became romantic much, much earlier, insinuating Bündchen was unfaithful.

Welp, I hope Brady and his camp are happy: Love is dead—again—and it’s all his fault, also again!

  • Love is also dead for Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, who just finalized his divorce from Theresa Nist, months after the wedding. [People]
  • Another twist for those following the Bennifer situation like CNN on election night: Jennifer Lopez casually grabbed lunch with Ben Affleck‘s daughter Violet. What could it mean??? [Page Six]
  • I’m so glad this happened to Chris Brown. [The Hollywood Reporter]
  • Bad Bunny‘s Atlanta concert was the subject of a recent, foiled mass shooting plot. [Deadline]
  • Taylor Swift‘s Eras tour will officially wrap in December. [Pop Crave]

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