March Madness: Stop and Smell the Rosé



First things first, we need to have a little Coach Taylor-style locker room chat about what went down in yesterday’s game. How — how — could you let Jungle Juice walk all over Vodka Tampon like that? Do you even know what this site represents? Do you even know why we’re here? Keep that kind of nonsense out of my game or I will kick you off this field, do you understand me? [Authors note: I have just been informed by Editor-in-Chief Jessica Coen that I am not allowed to bar anyone from participating in March Madness.]

Yesterday’s conference saw plenty of upsets. Scotch beat Long Island Iced Tea! Blue Moon beat Mike’s Hard Lemonade! Guinness beat Four Loko, Mushrooms beat Opium, LSD beat PCP, Prozac beat Sizzurp and Vicodin knocked out Viagra! It’s a good reminder not to get too comfortable, folks. This is still anyone’s game.

Here is your updated bracket (and here is a blank one if you want to print one out to follow along at home):

In Illegal Drugs: Molly (3) (a.k.a MDMA) is rolling into the ring, only looking to dance, hug, put on some glitter paint and listen to Major Lazer. Hopefully, it’s also ready to kick some ass because it’s going head-to-head with Meth (14), ruiner of lives and star of the hit series Breaking Bad! A word of advice, Molly? Don’t aim your punches at Crystal’s teeth because she already doesn’t have any.

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Next, GHB (7) will attempt (as is its M.O.) to knock out psychedelic brew Ayahuasca (10), so Ayahuasca would be advised t0 keep an eye on its drink. It shouldn’t be a tough choice between the two — GHB is the preferred drug of date rapists and Ayahuasca helps you achieve actual ENLIGHTENMENT. Full disclosure: It will also make you throw up a lot, possibly shit yourself and you might end up wandering off into the jungle during a trip, never to be seen again…so I guess it’s a toss-up.

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In the Legal Drug conference, we have Adderall (3), an ADHD drug that’s also the study aid of choice for college students across America, going against anti-anxiety medication/Mama’s Little Helper Xanax (14). What do you choose? The one that helps you chill out or the one that got you through that final English paper on H.D.’s HERmione? This is the Sophie’s Choice of prescription drugs and I do not pity either competitor.

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Next, Oxycontin (7) — or Oxycodone if you want to be less corporate about it — dopes up against over-the-counter good time aid/anus loosener Poppers (10). Which do you pick? The one that de-stresses your asshole? Or the one the one loved by professional asshole Rush Limbaugh?

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Over on the alcohol side of the bracket: All of this liquor! It’s never been sicker!

In the Hard Alcohol arena:

Syrup-y vomit inducer Southern Comfort (3) (So-Co, if you’re 16-year-old me at a party) sloshes itself all up in the face of Goldschlager (14). Are you going to go with the gold? Or the one you can still taste/remember throwing up in your friend Jenna’s toilet during that one spring break when her parents let her watch the house while they were in Florida?

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I predict a regional split on this next one: Brandy (7) vs. Moonshine (10). Brandy is the grandma cure-all of the midwest with literally nothing it can’t fix (besides alcoholism). Have a teething baby? Rub some brandy on those gums! Think you have cancer? Nothing a brandy old fashioned can’t cure! (<— a lie as it turns out.) Moonshine, on the other hand, is the toast of the Cartoon South. Sit on your porch, pull out your 'XXX' jug and let the blindness wash over you. Embed was removed for legal reasons
Moving onto the Soft Stuff! It’s Rosé (3), so refreshing on a summer’s day, throwing down against Olde English 800 (14), the 40 0z. of malt liquor that’s an amazing amount of bang for your buck. What a match-up these two make! Seemingly from opposite sides of the tracks, the two drinks will battle it out to the end, but am I alone in hoping that they go all Romeo and Juliet on us and fall in love/refuse to fight?

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For today’s final match-up: Box of wine Franzia (7) drunkenly stumbles its way into the arena to go medieval on the ass of Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA (1o). I would say it’s no contest — Franzia is wine that you can LITERALLY carry like a purse — but who knows. You voters have burned me before. (RIP Vodka Tampon. Never forget.)

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