Misguided and Pointless 'Advice' on the Matter of Naked Selfies

Dear People magazine: What in the holy fuck happened to you?

I find it hard to believe you are the same magazine I grew up appreciating in the 1980s. My mother used to buy you at the checkout stand after our weekend grocery shopping trips. The best part of my Saturday was thumbing through the pages of a weekly People, reading all the latest and greatest celebrity news, the Picks and Pans…you did stories on Ryan White and Kimberly Bergalis, for crying out loud.

But this. This dumb bullshit is what you’re doing now:

In case you can’t believe what you just saw in that screenshot, here’s our helpfully annotated version:

There is only one way to make sure your privates remain that way: Don’t put them in front of a camera. It’s a painful lesson that Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and others learned when pics of each women in their birthday suit hit the Internet. The actresses claimed a violation of privacy—rightly so—and blamed a hacker who grabbed them off the “cloud.” Problem is a “cloud” provides about as much protection as the rhythm method

I would ask what magical combination of drugs and booze this writer was on that helped them conjure up this shit, but I don’t want to disparage the good name of boozy drugged up writing. Ludwig II of Bavaria snorting bath salts wouldn’t have the audacity to try and sell the public on this horse shit.

After all according to oxfordictionaries.com a cloud is a “visible mass of condensed water floating in the atmosphere.” Not exactly Fort Knox.

Attention ladies and genltemen: WE HAVE AN OXFORD DICTIONARY QUOTE. REPEAT. WE HAVE AN OXFORD DICTIONARY QUOTE. Shut it down, go home all your base are belong to us.

But like a cloud, the scandal should pass quickly.

See, this is what you pay $50K a year for a master’s in English literature for—to make analogies comparing the humiliating violation of women to clouds. Sylvia Plath is HELLA JELLY right now, I bet. Give this person a Pushcart Prize already, dammit!

Lawrence will likely make a very clever joke about it on a talk show

Yeah, I bet she just can’t WAIT to have Conan O’Brien goof around with her about how her privacy was completely violated without her permission.

Upton will go back to doing whatever it is that Upton does—-which as far as we know involves taking almost naked pictures for magazine covers.

Ohhhhhh. HELL NO. No. So on top of your bullshit shame-y advice, you think it’s cool to shit all over one of the victims of this disgusting hack by mocking the fact that Upton has modeled semi-nude for magazine covers? I don’t even know where to go with this.

Was this written by someone banned from r/TheFappening? This is the kind of dumb “advice” for women you think it’s cool to share now? I had to do a double take and make sure I wasn’t reading the National Review. Women don’t need your dumb, shame-y advice, People.

How many more times do we need to explain that these women are VICTIMS, for fuck’s sake. They shouldn’t have to defend themselves at all, least of all in the pages of a celebrity magazine.

People magazine. Get your shit together.

Image via Twitter/People Magazine.

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