Mortified Kristen Stewart Crawling into a Hole and Never Coming Out

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Kristen Stewart has dropped out of Cali, the movie she was going to film with Alex Pettyfer, and will not show up to the premiere of On The Road. This is probably because her co-star in the Kerouac adaptation is Tom Sturridge, Friend Of R. Patz, which would admittedly be pretty awkward.

It seems that she’ll be laying low for the foreseeable future, still super-ashamed about that time Rupert Sanders grinded (ground?) her from behind, fully clothed, outdoors, like two horny teenagers hanging out outside a 7-11. So everyone check under their floorboards for Kristen Stewart, OK? [Daily Mail, Gossip Cop]

22-year-old Hell’s Angel and cocaine addict Taylor Swift was not allowed to hang out alone with her boyfriend Conor Kennedy until his 18th birthday in July, a day after which they made a “hand-holding pizza outing in Mount Kisco,” which is OHHH SHIT FUCKING O’CLOCK YOU GUYS. [Page Six]

Amy Winehouse’s ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil is in a coma after mixing alcohol with hard drugs. Unsurprising things aren’t any less sad. [NME]

Alec Baldwin has been pissing off the parishioners at his Hamptons church:

Alec loves to be the center of attention and often reads from the pulpit, which really annoys some in the congregation. It is so bad that, one recent Sunday, he went up to read, and part of the congregation stood and rudely turned their backs on him.

“Sit down, baby!” hissed his new wife Gigglemirth Thomas.

“I’m proselytizing here!” he replied, and made the horrible It’s Complicated poster face.

[Page Six]

Jennifer Aniston’s reps have once again assured a troubled America that she and Justin Theroux are fine and dandy after reports emerged of Theroux having dinner with a “mystery blonde.” She turned out to be Amy Sedaris, ironically the coolest person in this lil’ nugget of pointlessness. Urghhh, sorry, Amy. [Celebrity-Gossip]

  • Woody Harrelson saved Ryan “Hey Girl” Gosling from a throng of overexcited lady fans. [NYDN]
  • The parents of the passenger also killed in the Ryan Dunn car crash are suing Dunn’s estate. [Examiner]
  • Jennie Garth attributed her weight loss to breaking up with Peter Facinelli. [Belfast Telegraph]
  • Kate Upton posed for some other thing with zero or scant clothing. [Daily Mail]
  • Harry Belafonte says that Bey and Jay have shirked their social responsibility. [The Grio]
  • Chandler Bing says people often confuse him with his Friends character Matthew Perry. Oh wait, I fucked that up. [Monsters and Critics]
  • Rosario Dawson plans on giving up her career after she has kids. [Sky News]
  • You guys! You guys!! Stanley Tucci secretly got marred to Emily Blunt’s sister Felicity. [Showbiz Spy]
  • Kelly Ripa on Botox: “”I work out every day. I don’t overeat. I try to drink water, but I prefer wine, and when all else fails, I get Botox injected right here, right into my forehead as much as possible! It’s when my kids start asking me if I’m mad at them, and I say, ‘Why do you think I’m mad at you?’ They say it’s because I’m frowning. I go, ‘Oh no! I am? I’ll be right back!” Furthermore, FUUUUU. [Express]
  • This week in Things You Forgot Existed Outside Your High School Boyfriend’s Car, there’s an arrest warrant out on Puddle of Mudd frontman Wes Scantlin [E!]
  • Zooey Deschanel will voice Bart Simpson’s love interest in a few upcoming Simpsons episodes. [Screen Crush]
  • Shia LaBeouf is in talks for Lars Von Trier’s Nymphomaniac. []
  • Über-hot Daniel Sunjata has been cast as Debra Messing’s love interest on Season 2 of Smash. [Vulture]
  • P. Diddy might be an American Idol judge. [Page Six]
  • Bobbi Kristina and her boyfriend got matching tattoos to honor Whitney Houston’s birthday. [Radar Online]
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