Naomi Campbell Is the Queen of Social Distancing

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Naomi Campbell Is the Queen of Social Distancing
Screenshot: (YouTube)

“Thank you god we made it home,” Naomi Campbell shouts into an empty terminal at JFK at the beginning of a YouTube video she filmed about her now epochal airport hazmat suit and the trip that inspired it. Coincidentally, it is also what I shouted when I made it home from the grocery store yesterday, although no cameras were around to catch it.

Lest you not be aware, I am here to tell you that model and activist Naomi Campbell has added YouTuber to her resume, and for last week’s installment she brought us along on her harrowing journey from LAX to JFK, a trip which incited fear in her to the degree she felt compelled to purchases this $15 (now $21, thanks price gouging) hazmat suit and then wear it in public.

The video is rife with all of the kinds of sorts of things you would hope a YouTube video from Naomi Campbell would be bursting with. An opening monologue where she’s having “ear seeds” (apparently acupuncture for your ears that helps with “balance, the heart, the mind”) removed while she talks directly into the camera and ignores the woman with the very large tweezers digging directly into her lobes. Name dropping her “very good friend” Linda Evangelista. Grand proclamations like, “We cannot live in fear,” delivered deadpan to the camera. This video has it all.

At one point in the video, Naomi admonishes the person checking her passport for not wearing gloves. “Do it for yourself and for your family,” she says to the person off-camera, “You don’t want this.” I’m not particularly a fan of people dictating to others how to go about doing their jobs, but I’ve gotta say that here Naomi does kind of have a point. Also, it’s my dream to be scolded by Naomi Campbell wearing a hazmat suit so, congratulations to this person.

The video is also complete with some of the most dramatic background music and cut scenes I’ve ever seen on the internet. It’s giving me suspense, it’s giving me intrigue, it’s giving me drama, it’s giving me Naomi Campbell as Jason Bourne as Mr. Clean and I’m here for every moment of it. “Everybody didn’t want to be around me,” Naomi said of the other passengers on the plane, “but that’s cool, I didn’t wanna be around them either!” A queen of social distancing!

The video ends with her blowing a kiss and touching her gloved hands to her mouth after her trip at which point I literally shouted “Naomi!” at my computer screen because it does sort of feel like she tripped at the finish line there, definitively proving that touching your face is honestly the hardest thing anyone’s ever tried not to do. [YouTube]

Tori Spelling ran out of toilet paper amidst the coronavirus outbreak and did everything short of calling the National fucking Guard to try and solve her problem. And by that I mean she posted about it on her Instagram story until her husband Dean McDermott either watched the videos or heard her recording them and went out to buy her some.

“My husband is a rock star… he found TP!” Spelling later posted to her Instagram story, after announcing she was home sick with her children and was TP-less, having seven butts to wipe.

Having only one butt to wipe, I cannot say I understand Spelling’s situation, but given that rich people always seem to find a way to secure whatever it is they need regardless of what kind of shortages present themselves, I also cannot say I was too worried about her plight.

Moreso I would love if people, in general, would just buy an appropriate amount of toilet paper so as not to cause mass shortages of something that I’ve yet to hear explained effectively why people are hoarding in the first place. I can only assume it’s hysteria being induced by Big Bidet in an effort to get us all to buy one, which honestly at this point is working. [People]

Mariah Carey is making sure her babies are washing their hands for an appropriate amount of time by washing them to her own music, which we have no choice but to stan.

Mariah shared the below video of her and her kids washing up to the remix of her song “Fantasy” featuring Ol’ Dirty Bastard and my two main takeaways are that I hate the curtains in her bathroom and her children have absolutely! gorgeous! hair!

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