

Since the mid-aughts there has been, I’m truly devastated to report, a dearth of the kind of flash-in-the-pan celebrity wedding news that came to define much of my teen years. News that was and is largely evidence of, in my opinion, the ways in which straight people are responsible for the erosion of the sacrosanctity deeply embedded in the institution of marriage. News which I deeply, deeply miss.
Sure, every once in a while we’ll get a quick dopamine hit of nostalgia when a real housewife marries a balding playboy in Florida but, and not to be a gossip elitist here, it hardly piques the same level of salacious interest as when Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman said ‘I do’ for just four months. Or when Britney Spears married her friend Jason Alexander for only 55 hours. Of course both of those instances pale in comparison to the fanfare that Jennifer Lopez’s 218 day marriage to her former backup dancer elicited, which was preceded by a different sub-year union to a man named Ojani Noa.
Mercifully, Pamela Anderson, a stalwart pioneer of the blink-and-you-miss-it marriage, whose 2006 nuptials with Kid Rock lasted only 17 weeks, is doing her part to keep the tradition of celebrities treating marriage like an overlong hangover needing to be cured alive and well, having recently had her 12 day marriage to producer Jon Peters ended via text message.
While it appeared the initial split was amicable, things have since taken a turn for the not-so-happily not-so-married couple. Peters has claimed that Anderson (who he says proposed to him via text message, presumably hoping to excuse his ending things in the same way) was $200,000 in debt, and that he took it upon himself to pay off what she owed. Anderson, for her part, says that’s entirely untrue. “I don’t need anyone to pay my bills,” she said, “I own a $10-million dollar house in Malibu Colony that has been rented for almost two years now and for the next three to five years for $40,000 month.”