Please Lock Me in a Haunted House With Kesha

Kesha is in her supernatural era, doing press for her upcoming Discovery Plus series, Conjuring Kesha, and she’s discussing all the important topics, like: Is Big Foot out there? Are demons tricksters? Do ghosts have buttholes?

On Wednesday, Kesha revealed to Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show that when she’s on the road, she makes her crew stay in haunted houses. “The band and dancers are like, ‘Let’s stay at the W,’ and I’m like, ‘Nope, we’re going to Amarillo, Texas, and we’re staying in a haunted whorehouse, and they’re like, ‘You’re such a bitch.’” A spooky bitch!

Since “Tik Tok” (the song, not the app, for any under-30s on here) first came out when I was in college—preceding the three years I spent believing I was Kesha—I have been a loyal fan. I’m not a backup dancer or member of her band, but I’ve seen her in concert multiple times and I know her entire discography…so I think I have a pretty good idea of what it would be like to spend a night in haunted house with her. “The creepy and unexplainable is what keeps life magic,” she told Entertainment Weekly. “So let’s talk about it.” Let’s!

First, we arrive—my ideal location would be a haunted beach house somewhere warm—and we walk through the door singing “We R Who We R,” Kesha’s 2010 masterpiece that begins with the lyrics “Hot and dangerous/If you’re one of us, then roll with us,” which would let the ghosts know that we’re friendly and fun. (Before you ask, “TikTok” is too obvious to be our entrance song.)

At some point, Kesha will inevitably bring up that she’s had sex with a ghost. The ghosts and I roll our eyes and say, “Kesha you’ve told this story a million times.” But we let her tell it again. “I don’t know his name! He was a ghost!” she says—which is exactly what she told Ryan Seacrest in 2012. She asks me if I’ve ever had sex with a ghost, and I say no. Then she asks me if I ever would, and I say definitely not now that Roe v. Wade is overturned. We belt out “Praying” in dishonor of the Supreme Court, and a few ghosts and one demon leave to go haunt them forever.

Finally, after a long night of befriending spirits, therapizing demons, and solidifying a best friendship with Kesha, her backup dancers agree that it’s time to teach me some choreography. I demand we learn a dance to “C’Mon,” Kesha’s most underrated banger from her 2012 album Warrior. The ghosts are terrible at dancing: They don’t have skeletons or muscles or rhythm. After performing the dance to an audience of spirits, aliens, and beings from parallel universes, we sing “Raising Hell” as the sun comes up. (The demons do not like this song; they find it offensive.) I return home covered in glitter, feathers, and a faint glow from having danced with Kesha (and some ghosts).

During her interview with Cohen, Kesha said, “My dancers have been with me for 12 years, honey, if they did not like it, they could have gone. They love it because I’m a crazy motherfucker.”

That’s why I love her too. Plus, her haunted house talk has inspired me to subscribe to—of all streaming platforms—Discovery Plus. Good for them. Kesha told Seth Meyers on Wednesday that she was inspired to make Conjuring Kesha after she went crazy during covid, saying there was one specific night when her cat brought her headphones and she saw a vision: “I understood what love was, I saw the whole universe, I pulled back, it was a microcosm of itself,” she told Meyers. “I got the picture.” Sounds more like really good shrooms, but I’m still on board.

Kesha, call me for Season 2. I need to know if ghosts have buttholes.