Russia Has Apparently Declared War on McDonald's

By C.A. Pinkham | July 26, 2014 | 7:38pm

In Depth

It looks like Kremlin officials had their Big Mac extra value meal order screwed up one too many times.

Apparently operating on the logic “Americansky Bad, Shirtless Poot-Poot Good,”* Russia’s Consumer Protection Agency the Rospotrebnadzor, which serves to protect innocent Russians from such dangers as the gay virus, is pushing to make almost the entire McDonald’s menu illegal in the country. Salads, cheeseburgers, “Royal” burgers (apparently just a regular McDonald’s burger with cucumber, LTO, ketchup, mustard, AND mayo on it), Chickenburgers, Filet O Fish (OK, I’m actually with them on this one), milkshakes, and any ice cream dessert with fruit on it have all fallen under the critical eye of the Rochambeauashddhasuifhlasov — although Big Macs are OK, still? Who saw that one coming?!

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It’s also worth noting that the Rorshachoqoiwruwerchkin previously moved to ban wine from the Republic of Georgia after T’bilisi politicians “strengthened ties with Washington.” I am sure they are an absolutely neutral and completely reputable organization whose “investigative” “findings” can be said to be completely “reliable.”

Now, obviously, this is bullshit political grandstanding intended to incite anti-Western sentiment and blame the West for Russia’s ills — which is totally logical, because it’s not like Russia under Poot-Poot has made any catastrophically dumb, resource-squandering decisions lately or anything. And they certainly haven’t been responsible for any war crimes recently. Yup, it’s totally the West’s fault that Russia’s economy is taking a long walk off a short pier right now. Keep thinking that, guys.

* Sorry, Poot-Poot, you can kill as many pre-sedated tigers as you want, but you will never be remotely as badass as this picture. Or this picture. Or this picture. Or this one (ignore Grandpa Crankyjowls there). Holy crap does that guy looks badass in sunglasses, is my point here.

Image via OlegDoroshin/Shutterstock.