The Anteater Baby Jesus Forgives You For Touching Yourself


Last month, Armani, a lady anteater at the LEO Zoological Conservation Center, gave birth to little Archie and mystified zoologists/the world, who had taken it upon themselves to cockblock Armani from their male anteater, Alf. Time-wise, Armani would have conceived when Alf was safely locked away in a separate pen.

People have not been this worked up about a paternity mystery since January Jones. The befuddled center director said: “It is our protocol that that should not happen, so it’s a mystery.”

Immaculate conception? God? Is that you, God?

As it turns out, it may be a rare case of delayed implantation, also known as embryonic diapause. Among the few species who are actually able to delay having their fertilized eggs attach to the uterine wall (can you imagine how useful that would be if you got pregnant while you were working on your dissertation or going on a bar crawl next week?! JK, sort of) are anteaters and armadillos.

And an alternative theory’s floating around as well, from one scientist: “It’s conceivable that Armani and Alf found a way to couple through the enclosure’s high-tensile fence.” She goes on, accidentally describing two teenagers humping at a Phish concert in 1997.

“I have seen anteaters breed many times, but that doesn’t mean I know exactly what is going on in amongst all that hair. There is some thought that there is no actual penetration, just a lot of rubbing up together. If that is the case, then his sperm are doing all the heavy lifting on the job, and a fence would not be an insurmountable barrier.”

Terrifying! I am absolutely INDIGNANT that I was lied to about the safety of outercourse.

‘The Mystery of The Immaculately Conceived Baby Anteater’ [The Atlantic]
‘Virgin birth or hanky-panky? Anteater mom sparks science debate’ [NBC News]

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