The Bachelorette by the Numbers, Season Finale


Ugh. Well. Here we are. I guess we accomplished something, right? Like, if you ran an entire marathon on a treadmill, you’d still get some sort of medal. Or a plaque that says, “Congratulations! Unclear why you did that but you’re one of few people who could waste that much time doing it!” That’d be kind of nice to have, I think. Better than a journal of thoughts and emotions and feelings and tears…

Speaking of… I have something to say.

Once upon a time,
Twas a princess who loved to rhyme.
She was super duper pretty,
But her self-esteem was shitty,
And her heart could turn on a dime.
One day she met a man
Who was as boring as he was tan…
They were equals in every way,
And together they will stay,
Because dear-lord-almighty they are the most blan(d).

Thank god you found each other.

2: Potential suitors?

3: Suitors that would’ve made it potentially a much better episode.

4: Seconds before you start crying if Chris Harrison stares at you hard enough.

1: Recourse CH is prepared for if the staring doesn’t work = “I’m ok, Chris.” “You’re not.”

1: Number of tissues per episode allotted by the show’s budget. Shit outta luck there, Des.

2: Beautiful men left to pick you up from the bathroom floor. So shush.

700: Times the two Chris’s have refrained from making a joke along the lines of “Hey, that’s my name too!” We thank you wholeheartedly.

4: “M”’s in “mmmm” upon seeing Drew come out of the car sans tie.

1: Misdirect by Chris Harrison = “Brooks is not with us.” And now Des will tell you how he died.

7: People who rejected that rug from the flea market before Des picked it for the rose ceremony.

4: Words to say when offering a rose to exude unaffected confidence = “Please. Let me know.” Because I’d rather know now if I’ll be hanging myself.

6: Members in the audience polled on the desired outcome of the season.

6: Members in the audience whose occupation of valuable screen time was NOT APPRECIATED.

1: Guy who took it too far insulting Brooks. Grammar, Chris? Why ya gotta go there, bro?

5: Minimum times they’ve zoomed in on Des’ bod this season. Something tells me they’re grossly misunderstanding who their audience is.

1: Thing every guy wants to hear the girl they love say about them, “I want to see if I can love him the way I love Brooks.”

1: “Iota” of hesitation or doubt that Drew avoids having by knowing nothing of the above.

3: Possible places a Drew can hang at any given time, per his conversation with Des. 1) “By the pool” 2) “Beach” 3) “In my room”

1: Bit of riffin’ from our #1 poet = “I couldn’t even focus on this amazing view because I’m figuring out what I need to say to Drew.”

30: Decibels too loud the ocean was for us to hear the sound of Drew’s heartbreak button being pushed.

2: Minutes I spent thinking Drew was just handling getting dumped really maturely.

30: Seconds later that I realized his internal emotion app was just malfunctioning.

1: Secret revealed as Drew smoothed out his hair on the long walk home = He just cries from his scalp. Duh.

: Pressure on Chris “This is the Last Chance for Me” Siegfried after Des gives Drew the boot.

More like -30: On the pressure scale. Really. It’s just…”To be honest, I would love for today to be perfect.”

1: “Smooth sailing” pun. Couldn’t let that one float away, huh?

WAIT: This boat is called “Wadadli Cats.” Is anyone else seeing this. This is something that happened. I really think you’re taking it too lightly. What if they named their child that.

1: Fucked first born.

35 million: Other toasts on this show that should’ve ended with “Toasting may not be my forte…”

1: Key question you must ask yourself before deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone. Is it easy to be like “oh hey”???

Unseen: Guns presumably held at Desiree’s head as she says she wants Chris to meet her family.

“NO”: What you need to start telling yourselves when the urge to write “poems” washes over you.

1: Time it’s really easy to believe someone who says, “I just feel so lucky” = When they WON’T. STOP. CRYING.

100: Milligrams of Prozac prescribed by the resident medical professional after hearing “I’ve never felt like anyone has loved me as much as I loved them. I think that’s why it’s hard to feel so loved.”

2: People I’m ok talking to in this audience. Hi Seantherine!

1: Bottle of Bed Head Holding Gel shared between them tonight, it seems.

1: Gal with her priorities straight = “They look good together so I think the make a great couple!” – Jackie

4: Fear-induced octaves my scream went up when Lindsay suddenly reappeared in my life.

100: Percent Lindsay will support Desiree before returning to her MENSA meeting.

3: Words that have me really concerned here, Desiree. “Is he the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?” “Yeah…At this moment…Yes.”

101: How excited Chris is to propose.

102: How excited Des is for Brooks to come back and totally surprise her by proposing.

50: More milligrams prescribed after hearing Des say, “It’s hard for me to accept how much Chris loves me.”

96.3: Percent of the last two episodes Des has spent wiping her eyes really carefully.

1: Girl who could lobby for this place to be renamed: “Antigwahhhh”

And 1: Girl who could retire from writing after THAT gem.

A few: Things Chris could’ve been talking about when he said, “I wanna be your first and I wanna be your last.”

2: Words you can’t just switch and still be speaking English. “It pains me to say this” does not pave the way for “It joys me to say this.”

4ish: Final minutes that were like maybe a little sorta mayhaps cute.

2: Times CH thought he could say, “How good was that?” and people would think it. Instead of the truth.

2: Dueling Desirees visibly sparring inside this woman’s body when Brooks took the stage.

60: Percent more satisfying it is for Des to tell Brooks she got engaged than anyone else in the whole wide world.

20: Approximate yards from Fantasy Suite Station to “Breakup Town,” per Drew.

1: Thing I really wished they’d renamed the epilogue to = “After the Final Poem.” NO MORE. KEEP YOUR PRETTY, BORING POEMS INSIDE YOUR PRETTY, BORING HEADS… But, of course, mazel tov.

1: New dia, courtesy of Senor Juan Pablo. Can I get an “AMEN?!”

5: Months until next season. You’ll get through it, muchachas.


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