What does it say about reality television in 2015 that the majority of the Jezebel staff’s favorite moments are from shows that aired on Bravo? We know Survivor’s still on the air, but there’s clearly just one network worth paying for cable for in this day and age (just kidding—praise the Lord for mom’s Time Warner login and blogger screeners) and its king is Andy Cohen.
Cohen’s team of minions is so brilliant they created Vanderpump Rules, which you’ll note has not one but two mentions on this year’s list of outstanding reality moments. “Dumb” in the world of reality television is roughly equivalent to “fucking brilliant and deserving of an Emmy,” and 2016 looks like it’ll be even brighter for Bravo (and for us): Get ready to say Welcome to Potomac!
That Dancing with the Stars Disney-themed episode (KD)
The Dancing with the Stars Disney episode was PEAK Dancing with the Stars, a prime opportunity for the show—which airs on ABC, which is owned by Disney—to make money on multiple properties and make people do insanely embarrassing things that they’re pretending aren’t actually that embarrassing. That Dancing with the Stars exists at all boggles the mind; that they aired this episode at all makes surprising sense. What doesn’t: that ABC has removed all the videos of the performances from YouTube. We’ll still never forget, guys.
This amazing Bachelor confrontation (KD)
Fly two women out to the desert with the man they’re squabbling over in a “steamy chopper full of hate” and you are guaranteeing yourself a good episode of television. That these women fell right into that trap—tears and nasty comments included—says more about the brilliance of the Bachelor franchise than it probably does about them. The best part? The slow panorama shot at the end, as Bachelor Chris flies away after choosing to reject both women, leaving Ashley and Kelsey alone in the desert, sitting separately. A beautiful depiction of tragic heartbreak.
The Married at First Sight experts matching a couple basically because they’re both hot (KB)
Married at First Sight purports to match couples with the help of four experts in different fields—a sexologist, a psychologist, a sociologist and spiritual advisor. In theory, they use their knowledge to find and match people who are compatible in the most important ways. However, this is a reality television show and reality television shows have producers.
With Jessica Castro and Ryan De Nino, the “experts” spent much of their time going on and on how about attractive they both were. It’s sort of fair—they are both above-average attractive people—but attraction alone does not a healthy marriage make. Regardless, Jessica and Ryan were legally married and spent an excruciating six weeks together which resulted in Jessica filing a restraining order against her (now?) ex-husband.
But at least they would have had pretty babies, right?
Heather and Carole freaking out about Luann’s hookup (KB)
During a Bravo-sanctioned trip to the Turks and Caicos the ladies of the Real Housewives of New York spent much of the time exercising the exact lack of chill that we’ve come to expect from them. Everything came to a head when Luann and Ramona got their grooves back with some random hotties—one of whom they let stay in a spare bedroom in their Turks and Caicos palace. Heather and Carole woke up to the sight of what I’m sure was a handsome ass in the room next to them and they lost. their. shit.
Nobody’s rationale made a lick of sense: Heather and Carole largely whined about how their jewelry could have been stolen. This is how you know Heather and Carole have always been rich: because they’ve clearly never had three other roommates who brought random people back to the apartment after a night of heavy drinking. So uncool.
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