The Red Carpet Reeks Of Lady Gaga's Influence


Ever since Lady Gaga came on the scene with her bizarre masks, tall hats and concept outfits, everyone thinks looking like an idiot on the red carpet is a sign of artistic integrity.

Nicki Minaj has a horrible case of Gaga-itis. (Which is maybe why she’s wearing a surgical mask?) Just being weird for weird’s sake. It’s difficult to know where her body starts and her trinkets end. More than anything, though, she very reminiscent of ANTM Cycle 3 when the girls are in Japan and Tyra challenges them to dress like Harajuku girls and the contestants quickly realize that this just means to looks as ridiculous and candy-coated as possible.

Katy Perry has been into playful red-carpet looks for a while now, but she’s typically more theme park than haute couture, as evidenced by the first two outfits here. But the cube on her head is totally her attempt at being avant fashion-y.

Beyoncé has one of the best maternity dresses I’ve seen in a while. But bullshit that she’s only three months along.

It’s a three-way tie for Best Dressed male between Tyler, the Creator (because of his shirt), Ne-Yo (he always looks sharp), and Pete Wentz (who’s all grown up).

What did Scientology do to her legs?

Kim Kardashian is 30. How are her boobs able to sit up that high without a bra? They look heavy. Gravity should’ve kicked in by now, no?

Poor Britney. You know? I can’t even be mad at her for those shoes because I don’t think she’s been allowed to make decisions for herself for a few years now.

Remember when Lil Mama was only 15 a couple years ago? And now she’s suddenly like 32. Her shoes are cool, though, because they look like Eames furniture.

Much like Dolly Parton, the Jersey Shore cast has to be sartorially judged on scale that’s completely unique to them. I feel like these dresses—loud, sparkly, and titty—are exactly what Snooki, JWoww and Deena should be wearing.

After the show, Sammi put on some black booty shorts and had her dress hiked up around her waist while she cried and screamed for Ronnie to “staaaaahhhp!” Ronnie is doing the exact pose here that he does on the fake red carpet in his Xenadrine commercial. And Vinny actually looks incredibly put together, but his newborn baby skull haircut kind of ruins it.

I wasn’t familiar with singer Mika Newton, so I went to her Wikipedia page which says, “Her music and her choice of clothes and accessories are strongly influenced by punk and gothic styles.” Really? Because, to me, this has Eastern European trophy wife written all over it.

Justin Bieber brought the most pathetic excuse for a snake as an accessory or to try to “wow” us. But it was just reminiscent of a limp dick or a handful of peanuts. This is how you bring a snake to the VMAs.

Busta Rhymes’ top is unflattering. Vincent “Vinnie” Salvatore Delpino showed up. And Russel Brand’s over-it behavior and facial expressions clashed with his shiny women’s pants.

Despite all the sparkles, sequins and bedazzling, Jessie J’s invalid look can’t be hidden.

See, where as Demi Lovato’s dress would’ve looked fine on a Jersey Shore cast member, it just made her look, well, like a Jersey Shore cast member. Miley Cyrus’ gown would’ve been a lot more awesome if it stuck to leopard print instead of veering off into floral. And as for Adele, it would be nice to see her in something that isn’t black—and doesn’t follow the hemline restrictions of Orthodox Jewish women—once in a while.

It must be so hard, being an outcast the way that Liz Lee is, having to attend red carpet events with the likes of the biggest pop stars in the world. Meanwhile, Rebecca Black seems to be the embodiment of the awkwardness of her dancing friend. And I guess it would’ve been too “basic” for Kreayshawn to wear some heels.

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