The Secret to a Happy Marriage? Two Toilets.

A survey of 2,000 British couples aims to establish the secrets of a happy marriage, and there are a lot of obvious answers that are hardly “secrets”: Trust, honesty and compromise; remembering birthdays and anniversaries; physical contact and cuddling. Duh. But then it gets a little weird.

The survey is pegged to the release of a new book entitled How to Seduce Your Wife (or Anyone Else’s) — worst parenthetical ever? — and purports to identify the factors that really matter in a marriage. Like having two cars (hm). Other secrets to marital success include:

His and her toilets

What? Who has this? You’ve agreed to spend the rest of your lives together, but you’d rather not let your butts touch the same surface? Come on. That said, if you’re lucky enough to live in a home with two bathrooms it’s to everyone’s benefit if you designate one as the Poop Bathroom. Confining your butt bombs to a single space is definitely the right move. (Then again, there’s always the Love Toilet.)

Owning two televisions

Maybe you gotta watch your stories, stories that your partner really despises, but couldn’t they go read a book? Or maybe just split remote control time and grin and bear it? This, of all things, is considered a key factor in happy marriages?

Romance

Yes, of course…and yet these people also think it helps to own two televisions. What do they want here? Owning two televisions and being romantic aren’t mutually exclusive, but watching television separately is hardly conducive to much of anything other than sitting your ass, alone.

Sharing your phone codes and media passwords

Oh no. No, no, no. Why is this necessary or helpful? Sure, neither party should have anything to hide, but the idea that it plays a role in a relationship suggests insecurity or suspicion on someone’s part, feelings that are decidedly not productive elements in any relationship, married or not.

Keeping separate bank accounts

Speaking from experience, this is a total pain in the ass. Maybe keep small separate accounts for “play money,” but life is a lot easier if the real expenses are being paid for from a joint account. And if you’re really approaching life as a team, why wouldn’t money go towards the team?

Interestingly enough, “having regular sex” only came in 20th on the list of important factors. But who needs sex when the two of you can retire to opposite sides of the house, take a shit in your personal poo cave, and binge on Netflix in a dark room all by yourself?