The Week in Tabloids: Kendall Jenner Steals Kim Kardashian Vogue Cover

TRAPPED!

Full disclosure: We could not bring ourselves to read this cover story. But “crying in public” and “too broke to leave Dean” sound super sad, and we hope Donna Martin graduates. Moving on: Nicole Richie is “scary skinny” and “won’t stop cleansing,” says a report based on a paparazzi photo of her leaving a store carrying a plastic bag. A zoomed-in image of said bag reveals that there is DUN DUN DUN “UltraCleanse Plus” shake mix inside (Fig. 3). According to an alarmist source, Nicole’s husband Joel “is scared to death that her organs will begin to shut down.” She seems to be ambulatory though? Also too thin, on a different page of the mag, is Emma Roberts. A scintillating eyewitness account straight from Nobu: “All she ate was one piece of sushi and didn’t even touch the rice!” Someone call the cops. Next, “bad girl” Cara Delevingne is making friends with Taylor Swift, but TSwizzle’s “inner circle” is worried because Cara is a “terrible influence.” Protect America’s Sweatheart at all costs. Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are “worlds apart” which does not mean she is basking in the sun on Tatooine while he’s shivering in an ice cave on Hoth, but apparently they haven’t seen each other in 50 days. The editors are drafting “sad and alone” headlines right now. More relationship news: Your boyfriend Ryan Gosling keeps trying to break up with Eva Mendes, “but she manipulates him into staying,” a source swears. Keep fighting the good fight, girl. There’s a two-page article about how Khloe Kardashian has serious feelings for The Game; here is an actual sentence: “While The Game, 34, is a former gang member and drug dealer whose rap sheet includes arrests for disorderly conduct and threatening someone with a gun, Khloe is drawn to the hip-hop artist’s sensitive side.” But it’s going nowhere, an insider says: He doesn’t feel the same way about her. This, of course, means Khloe is “falling apart,” and the proof is a weirdly-angled Instagram selfie which allegedly illustrates how “she’s been going overboard with fillers and Botox.” Finally, a two-page piece called “Miley’s X-Rated Extravaganza” consists of tongue-extended crotch-grabbing images from the Bangerz tour and the possibly erroneous statement: “As she twerks and teases onstage, Miley Cyrus’ Bangerz tour is proving too hot for tweens — and it’s inspiring a parent-led revolt.” The revolution will be driving carpool!

Grade: D- (three hours bareback on a horse galloping in the rain)

OUR MEDICAL MIRACLE

Ok, we have never seen Teen Mom, but this is really touching: Leah from Teen Mom has a 4-year-old daughter, Aliannah, with a rare form of muscular dystrophy; despite being told that Aliannah would have to spend much of her life in a wheelchair, Leah revealed the magazine that her daughter is capable of running. Also, her family and fans are very supportive of Ali: “Until the day she doesn’t walk, I’ll never think that she won’t,” says her dad. I’m tearing up a lil bit. In other news, Snooki is maybe pregnant, although she hasn’t announced anything officially. The one bit of evidence is that she’s postponed her wedding, which is Great Gatsby-themed. I think that’s the most notable part of this story, because one time Snooki told the New York Times that she’d only read two books in her life (Twilight and Dear John). Moving on: Christina Aguilera is definitely pregnant (she announced it earlier this week). InTouch takes this opportunity to remind us of the specter of baby weight and Christina’s recent “impressive 49-pound weight loss following years of flaunting a fuller figure.” BLERGH. Next: Bachelor Juan Pablo is the worst Bachelor ever, says everyone. According to an eyewitness at the show’s Women Tell All special, which airs March 3, all the women unified against him in an impressive display of sisterhood. One contestant, Kelly (the one whose profession was literally listed as “Dog Lover”), has a gay dad and started to tear up when she brought up Juan Pablo’s homophobic comments. Which bodes well for ratings, probably, because berating homophobes makes for great television.

Grade: D (walking for three miles with Juan Pablo talking to you)

AMAZING OLYMPICS STORIES

Hey, remember the Olympics? Shit happened. Some of it was cool. Now Meryl Davis and Charlie White are going to be on Dancing With the Stars. Cool. Also inside: Paula Patton has wanted to ditch Robin Thicke since last August, but with the Miley stuff and the mirror butt-grab situation, he “begged Paula to stay with him until the controversy had died down,” says a source. Brooke Burke, the lady who used to stand next to the guy who hosts Dancing With the Stars, found out she’d been fired from the show just a few hours before it was announced. Erin Andrews is the new lady, and ABC hopes she will bring a “young male following.” Snicker. The obligatory Juan Pablo article in this issue has details from the Tell All taping. Apparently Lucy goes off on the Bachelor star, and Kelly, whose dad is gay, brings up the homophobic quotes and cries. Meanwhile, former Bachelor Jef With One F Holm says of Juan Pablo: “He is, by far, the sleaziest Bachelor.” Burn. The next Bachelorette will either be Andi or Renee, in case you were wondering. Last, but certainly not least, a two-page spread about “Lupita’s Makeup Magic” will have you thinking you can pull off fuchsia gloss and green eyeshadow. Good luck! (Fig. 4)

Grade: D (skating for 3 minutes)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from Star

Fig. 4, from Us