There Is No Good Reason for Dionne Warwick to Know the Word Stonks

There Is No Good Reason for Dionne Warwick to Know the Word Stonks

There are those of us who are beholden to the stonks, doomed to a life of watching arrows move in only one of two directions. Then there’s Dionne Warwick who has been too busy spending her life being Dionne Warwick to be concerned with the nature of the stonk. But thanks to the unifying powers of Twitter, worlds are colliding and Dionne Warwick would like to know what exactly a stonk and why the word is clogging up her otherwise peaceful Twitter feed.

Madame Warwick, allow me, a humble stonk watcher to answer this very important two-part question. A stonk in theory is an aberration that haunts every waking hour for financial analysts and people who talk about money for a living. In reality, it is merely a slang term for “stock.” A word as short as stock should not require a slang term but the English language is nonsensical and continues to double down on itself.

Why are stonks trending? To make a money joke, stonks are always trending! (Slaps knee, falls out of chair) No, but seriously, stonks are trending at this particular moment in time because the internet has discovered the stock market for the very first time in history, and for reasons that exist only on the dark web, they have decided to increase the value of GameStop and AMC by buying up as much stock as possible to squeeze out hedge funds who preying on the plummeting values of GameStop and AMC.

Am I going to explain short plays on stocks? No the fuck I am not because Ms. Warwick asked two specific questions. She did not at any point ask for an opine on the absurdity of average folk like myself falling into the trap of a massive short squeeze to turn a quick dollar. Now if you don’t mind I really need to go because if I don’t trade a certain stonk right now a certain absurd strategy I’ve been employing for a year will not pay out in the way I want it to.

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