This Boxing Machine Is Probably Cheaper Than a Post-Pandemic Divorce

In my never-ending attempt to curate the perfect fitness lifestyle for myself, I have come across many a strange and seemingly useless product, particularly when it comes to apps or devices that focus on one specific type of exercise. So when I had the opportunity to demo something called “Liteboxer,” which costs as much as my Peloton—please applaud me for waiting this long to mention I finally bought a Peloton—I was skeptical that a machine that seemingly only exists to be punched would be worth the time or the price tag. Instead what I found was a divorce attorney’s worst nightmare!

Liteboxer is essentially Dance Dance Revolution for your fists. The device lights up in certain areas on beat to music, and you punch where you’re told. It’s a simple and fun concept for a workout that has a starting price of just under $1700. The actual machine itself is comprised of a platform, a punching board, and an iPad stand. There’s a small attachment underneath the punch board for executing uppercuts. It’s not much to look at, nor would I call the design sleek, so it certainly isn’t something that can blend into any aesthetic a home might have. While the base is about as long as a Peloton base, the machine is significantly wider, leaving a huge footprint in my one-bedroom apartment. Personally, this was a huge turn-off for me, because the thing is sitting in my living room. If I have guests over, they’ll have to maneuver around the Liteboxer to get to the couch.

However, after my first three classes with Liteboxer, I found that I was willing to overlook nearly all of that because of the absolute puncher’s high I got from a few short rounds of trying to keep up with all of the lights on the board. The classes all exist on the Liteboxer app, which is best experienced on an iPad. If you don’t already own one, you can use the iPhone app just the same. The iPad is attached to the Liteboxer apparatus through a small stand below the punching board and secured with what looks like two rubber bands. This isn’t super safe, as I discovered the hard way, because when you punch the board hard enough the whole apparatus moves, and if the rubber bands aren’t situated properly, your iPad will jump right off.

What I appreciated about the structure of the workout is that I wasn’t having to look down at my screen the entire time. At the start of a class, an instructor tells you what combo you’ll be doing, and the lights on Liteboxer correspond to what’s being said. The instructor then disappears, and you’re left on your own with the lights, which all move to the beat of the song that’s playing for that round of punching.

The app doesn’t focus too much on metrics, only providing information on how many punches you landed squarely and the strength with which you punched on a scale of 1-5. While my personal preference is to have as many metrics as possible, you can fix this by turning on your personal fitness wearable during the workout.

But the real secret sauce of this device isn’t its app or its music library; it’s the immediate endorphin rush you get from punching something right after arguing with your spouse or roommate.

As the rise in divorce filings shows, marriages have been under tremendous strain as a result of couples having to spend every waking hour with each other for their own safety. This is also true for my marriage, which is a union of two true Tauruses (one of whom is a Gemini moon, but I’ll let you guess which one). When Liteboxer arrived at my apartment, my partner was actually the first to test it out after a particularly stressful day not caused at all by me, because I am delightful.

Throughout the demo period, wherein this very large device has been living in our apartment, we’ve taken turns working out our stress not by speaking to each other, but by punching the shit out of this machine over and over again. As a result, we’ve got sore shoulders and much calmer attitudes, my partner even asked if we could keep it and store it until we moved to a bigger place. Absolutely not, but it’s great that he’s excited.

As an entire experience, Liteboxer is all the fun things about boxing and none of the very hard things, like lengthy cardio intervals to build up one’s endurance so they can actually last more than three minutes in a ring. So this won’t turn you into the next Jake Paul but your arms will look fantastic. Although the device and its app are lacking in a few areas, namely design and music library (which will likely expand with time), the cherry on top is how easy it is to switch between multiple users in a single household.

Overall, Liteboxer isn’t a bad purchase to make if you are extremely into boxing but don’t want to go to an actual boxing gym. It’s great if you’ve thought of pushing your spouse into traffic but don’t want to bother going to jail or forking over money for a divorce. If you are considering dropping over a thousand bucks on this thing, however, make sure to carve out quite a bit of space for it, lest your dog think this machine is meant specifically for him to take naps.