This Week in Tabloids: A Detailed Analysis of Ke$ha's Plastic Surgery
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, your spelunking trip into the dark caves of the celebrity gossip tabloids. Every Wednesday, Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand and picks up the new issues of In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Star and Us, and together we navigate the stalagmites masquerading as “news.” This week: Angie and Brad are fighting and having hot dates in luxe hotels; Kim and Kanye will get married at Versailles; and Ke$ha’s “fresh faced” new look is all thanks to plastic surgery. Down the hole we go.
Star
“WORST FIGHT EVER”
Angelina and Brad got into the worst fight ever, guys. The cover image of Angelina crying is from the Sarajevo premiere of In The Land of Blood and Honey, where she broke into tears while describing the plight of the people in Syria, but that’s not what the fight was about. The fight was way worse than that. The fight was because Brad “canoodled” with a petite brunette at a bar in Telluride. Ooookay. In other news, Orlando Bloom and Liv Tyler are secretly dating. The couple were spotted “getting cozy” during opening night of Waiting for Godot. Is that even possible? Later they were spotted tickling each other and gazing into each other’s eyes. Moving on: Kate Gosselin is blowing through her kids’ college funds to pay for plastic surgery and vacations for herself. She is the worst. The end. Next: Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s relationship is in SHAMBLES. Evidence one: he was not Instagrammed at her Thanksgiving. Evidence two: he is shooting a movie in New York City, where his ex-girlfriend lives (along with a mere 8 million other people). They’re doomed.
Grade: F (cave collapse/crushed by rocks)
Ok!
“OBSESSED WITH PLASTIC SURGERY”
Someone at the mag crafted a lovely collage of Before and After plastic surgery photos of all your favorite celebrities, but probably half of them haven’t really had that many procedures. Kim Kardashian might have just gotten freakishly good at contouring, and Angelina Jolie looks exactly the same as “before,” only 15 years older (Fig. 1). But, yeah, rich and famous people get cosmetic procedures. Who would have guessed. The rest of the magazine consists of boring stories that everyone read last week: Kendall Jenner and Harry Styles went on a date (we know), Angelina Jolie bought Brad a heart-shaped island (we heard that forever ago, and it’s not true), blah blah. The only good bit: Kate Middleton is terrified because her family has been invited to spend Christmas with Queen Elizabeth II. She is worried that her mom will get drunk and engage in class warfare and upset the queen. Off with ‘er head!
Grade: F (trapped in underwater cave with a posse/shiver of sharks)