Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we “read” the celebrity tabloids so you don’t “have” to. Today, we learn that Blake Lively waved some delicious snacks in front on Ryan Reynolds and lured him away from Sandra Bullock; Demi Moore is a booze-soaked mess on her way to rehab; and the lady who had sex with Ashton Kutcher on his six-year wedding anniversary gives a thorough play-by-play of the encounter, including how their twosome was almost a threesome.
Ok!
“Blake Steals Sandra’s Man!”
It “looked like” Sandra Bullock had found love with “good-guy heartthrob” Ryan Reynolds, but then Blake Lively swooped in and snatched him away. “Sandra is crushed,” says an insider. But since Sandy and Ryan always claimed to be just friends, we doubt it. Also inside: Jennifer Aniston was “in tears” because while promoting her Lifetime movie about breast cancer, she visited a breast cancer institute, listened to a survivor’s story, and teared up. Lastly: Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are “faking their love for the cameras.” They kissed on stage when they were on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, but backstage, they got into a “monster fight,” and weren’t speaking to each other, says a “pal.” Apparently they were really angry; Kim called Kris arrogant, and the nasty feelings lasted “even after they left in a car and went back to the hotel.” Also, Kris hates having paparazzi following him, and has been rude to them, and Kim is all, dude, that is my life blood right there. An insider says: “Kris is working for the Kardashians, and he’s been told in no uncertain terms that he is to do exactly what he’s told if he wants to keep living the good life.” Is life really good if you’re not free to do as you wish? The Kardashians always spark philosophical conversations.
Grade: D- (roaches in the Raisin Bran)
Life & Style
“What Have I Done?”
There’s no proof Kim Kardashian ever uttered the words, “what have I done,” but she did go to a nail salon with a friend and was overheard saying, “I didn’t know marriage was going to be so hard. With all this travel and work, it’s been a big adjustment for both of us.” Eh, life is about change, and change is good. But an insider says “Kim’s miserable” and that she and Kris are “always fighting.” Also inside: Donald Trump has been accused of cheating on his wife, Melania, with top-heavy porn star Stormy Daniels. Last, but not least: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are expecting a boy, and Ben’s excited for a “little sports buddy.” Adorably gender normative!
Grade: D (moths in the closet)
Star
“72 Best & Worst Beach Bodies!”
Oh look, the kind of issue we hate the most! Twelve pages of “bikini babes” with flat tummies and shapely asses and smiling carefree vacation faces. There are also “hunks in trunks” and “from hunk to chunk” (Pierce Brosnan) and “from flab to fab” (Jerry Ferrara). The “beach bombs” include Kirsten Dunst, who dares to have a spine; LeAnn Rimes, who dares to have muscles; and Julie Bowen, who dares to have skin that is pliable. (see Fig. 1) Also inside: Madonna and her boyfriend, Brahim Zaibat, are in couples counseling: “Madonna believes Brahim was her soulmate in a past life, and she wants to be with him forever,” says an insider. “She wants him to be equipped with the tools to make that happen.” Of course only he needs work. Nothing ever needs fixing with Her Madgesty! Robert Downey Jr. is recording an album of “electro-jazz,” so you’re going to want to update your masturbation mixtape. Cameron Diaz and Jessica Biel are in a “tug-of-war” over Justin Timberlake. Here’s how that works: Cameron gets a hold of his ankles, and Jessica hooks her hands under his arms, and they both pull. But seriously: Cammie has been calling JT constantly, and she’s “determined” to win him back from Jessica, because he is a prize, that kid. In Ashton and Demi news, an insider insists, “It’s over.” Next, some random trivia: Did you know that Justin Theroux dated Alyssa Milano in the mid-’90s? They also had two sex scenes in a movie called Below Utopia. Ice-T was in it! Here is the trailer. The flick looks pretty terrible, but Justin looks hot. And last, but not least: A blind item. “Ashton and Demi aren’t the only big Hollywood breakup on the horizon. Which A-list former model and her businessman hubby are also going through a rough patch?”
Grade: D+ (silverfish in the newspapers)
In Touch
“Demi’s Rehab Nightmare.”
Demi Moore has “tired eyes” and a “skeletal frame” and is a “complete mess” in a “downward spiral.” She’s sloppy drunk nearly every day and likes to booze it up “to the point of sexy dancing and passing out,” which actually sounds kind of fun? Also are they seriously saying his cheating is her fault? She digs champagne and pills and when Ashton took the role on Two And A Half Brains Between The Three Of Us, she “began partying harder than ever.” The editors dug up any and all photos of Demi holding beverages to prove she’s a lush (see Fig. 2), and the piece ends, “On October 8, the two took a camping trip […] to try and repair their crumbling marriage. But it could take a whole other trip — to rehab — to really fix things for good.” In other words, she’s not going to rehab, but she MIGHT. Someday. Also inside: Britney Spears has been leaving wedding magazines around the house, hoping Jason Trawick will propose, and she also had some towels monogrammed with the initials BT. Khloe Kardashian wants to get knocked up but says: “I never knew about ovulation, about the limited time you have each month to get pregnant.” If you’re wondering how Blake “stole” Ryan, know this: It involved food. She “exhibited what could only be called girlfriend behavior” and went grocery shopping for Ryan, then made him meals and stocked his freezer with the things she made. So if you want a man, you should probably leave a trail of large brioche crumbs leading to your bed. On the inside, men are just penis and stomach. That’s basic anatomy! A sidebar on this story about the generation gap between Sandra Bullock and Blake Lively includes vintage photos, so we can check out their old noses (see Fig. 3). Rachel Zoe is on a “dangerous mommy diet,” in which she lives off of lattes and sparkling water. Finally: Madonna’s daughter Lourdes is taking singing lessons and has a beautiful voice. Can’t wait til her album drops. “Momma Don’t Preach”!
Grade: C (spiders in the corners)
Us
‘”My Affair With Ashton.”
Sara Leal, who claims to have had sex with Ashton Kutcher a couple of weeks ago, tells/sells her story. We’ve seen pictures of her, half-naked and doing shots, or half-naked and holding a bong, but here, the party girl is fully dressed and has sad face and claims that Ashton “seduced” her. She gives a complete, moment-by-moment play-by-play of her encounter, which can be summed up thusly: She was with a crowd of people getting drunk in Ashton’s hotel room, then everyone left except for her and her friend, then Ashton proposed a threesome and the friend left, then only Ashton and Sara remained, so they had sex. He told her he was separated from his wife. Some key lines from Sara: “He started asking us weird questions, like if we were taking birth control. My friend was like, ‘That’s kind of private!'” And: “He was good. We weren’t like, making love, but it wasn’t weird or perverted.” And: “He laughed at pretty much everything I said.” Also, after they boned twice, Ashton took her phone away from her and checked her text messages, and then gave it to a bodyguard to hold for the rest of the night. And Sara says of the morning after: “I woke up sober, obviously. And it kind of hit me like, Oh my God, I gotta get outta here.” But before she did, Ashton opened her robe and said “Wow, you’re pretty. I did good, I did good.” Final words from Ms. Leal: “This is my first one-night stand… It’s not something I would do again. When I get married I would take it seriously. I wouldn’t cheat on my husband.” Boom. There’s some other stuff in this issue, but nothing as interesting as the cover story. If you’re gonna spend four bucks on one tabloid this week, it might as well be the one with the story from the horse’s mouth.
Grade: A (bees in the garden)
Addendum
Fig. 1, from Star
Fig. 2, from In Touch
Fig. 3, from In Touch
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