This Week in Tabloids: Kids Born Same Day as Royal Baby Get a Penny

“I’m Done!”

Everyone, Khloe Kardashian is DONE. With eating carbs? With life? No: The Photoshopped paper rip on the cover means that she is so over her husband Lamar Odom. They have been separated by the legal contract of fake-torn paper. Inside, the story claims that Khloe is pissed over Lamar’s flirty behavior and visits to strip clubs. Furthermore, there are “cryptic reports” that claim that Odom has been engaged in a yearlong extramarital affair. We doubt that she ever yelled “I’m DONE,” since that is the intellectual property of Sammi from Jersey Shore. Let’s move on. In an interview, “Mama June” Shannon of Honey Boo Boo solidifies the fact that she is super proud of her body, which is an attitude she intends to instill in her children. BTW: The Table of Contents insists that there’s a story about Glee’s Naya Rivera and her “barely recognizable” look on page 37, but there’s no article or photo of Rivera. Not on page 37, not on page 36 or 38; nowhere. WHERE IS THE STORY?! [Update: It is rumored that the story on Rivera ran away from the incredulous pages of In Touch and is living out its days in Ecuador.] Finally: Our latest crush Alex Minsky is featured in this issue! (Fig. 1)

Grade: D (submerged in cold, dirty bathwater)

“All About The Royal Baby!”

Do not panic. The royal stork has not flown to the royal couple; the royal baby has not yet arrived in this world. But this story is chock-full of info about what will go down when Kate Middleton does give birth, which should be any minute now. When she feels a contraction, she will tell her private secretary, who will ring the doctor on a palace-issued mobile phone with encrypted signal. The doctor will hop in his BMW and put a green emergency light on the roof and speed to the hospital. William will also be called, and chopper in from the RAF base in Wales. Apparently, there are already 180 journalists and photographers camped outside of the hospital, which sounds a mite intrusive. Kate, William and “Baby Windsor” will live in Nottingham Cottage at first, while their apartment is being finished, which is cool because Nottingham Cottage is as cute as an arrow-shooting fox in a feathered cap. Ooo-de-lally. (Fig. 2) Anyway, if you want to know all about the protocol involved once the kid is born — the 41-gun salute and so forth — it’s all here. Best factoid: “A sterling silver commemorative penny courtesy of the royal mint will be given to all children born in the UK on the heir’s birthday.” Don’t spend it all in one place, kids! Also inside: George Clooney and Stacy Keibler broke up and “hadn’t had sex in months,” since he’s been in Europe and she’s been in L.A. Oh, well. Last, but not least, Kim Kardashian is “in hiding,” aka spending time napping with her new baby and avoiding the paparazzi. But a friend says “she wants to leave the house because she’s excited to shop.” Look, we all need a reason to live.

Grade: C+ (plunging into freezing cold pool)

“The Royal Baby!”

Again, it is important to note that this kid has not yet been born. Baby Cambridge, as the hospital will call the wee lass or lad before it is named, might be delivered naturally and Kate Middleton was “looking into” hypnobirthing. Not much new here, but London bookmakers say George and Charlotte are the current faves in terms of names. Also inside: Kourtney Kardashian and Scott “American Psycho” Disick are getting their own spin-off show, but producers “expect a wedding and a baby,” which is some straight up Rumpelstiltskin shit. Then there’s the story with the headline “Denzel Caught Cheating,” which has no proof or anecdote about Mr. Washington being “caught.” He allegedly had a “connection” with Sanaa Lathan in 2003 while filming Out Of Time and “reportedly hooked up” with a Las Vegas hostess in 2007. Now his wife is “hearing rumors” that he was “looking cozy” with a pretty blonde at a house party, and “is ready to end the marriage,” according to an unnamed insider. IF she did it COULD be a $150 million divorce but there’s so little substance to this piece let’s just move on. So what else? John Mayer is already seeing other women behind Katy Perry’s back. Lamar Odom allegedly had a year-long affair with a dancer/stripper named Jennifer Richardson; a source says “Lamar is known on the club scene as a cheater, but everyone keeps it hush-hush.” LeAnn Rimes is “finally pregnant,” and must be happy since he “has gained so much weight and she doesn’t even care.” Nice. Finally, in a weird twist, there’s a six-page photo-driven story of women in swimsuits called “Beauties and the Beach.” Instead of “worst beach bodies” and shape-shaming, the mag deems celebs like Alicia Keys, Kelly Osbourne, Kendall Jenner, Heather Locklear and Maria Menounos for looking good in a swimsuit. Oh Star, you minx. Always keeping us guessing.

Grade: D+ (splashed by filthy street puddle)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from In Touch

Fig. 2, from Us