This Week in Tabloids: Miley in Danger of Drug-Induced Heart Attack

By Dodai Stewart | April 16, 2014 | 7:20pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman and I try to snuggle up to tabloid gossip, using the silky sheets from the new issues of Ok!, In Touch, Life & Style, Us, and Star. This week: One cover features a sonogram “dramatization” to “prove” that Angelina Jolie is knocked up; Tori Spelling offers TMI; and Miley Cyrus’s ticker is about to give out. Climb on in.

Ok!

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TWINS!

Oh, good: another Brad-and-Angie-are-having-twins story that reads exactly like the THOUSANDS we have already encountered. The mag trots out the now-traditional narrative: Brand and Angie really want kids; she wants to be pregnant at their upcoming wedding; they need to do it fast before she has her ovaries removed; etc. Because Angelina Jolie is not actually pregnant, and tricking folks standing in line at the supermarket is the goal, the sonogram on the magazine cover literally says “Ultrasound Dramatization” in very tiny letters (Fig 1). Yawn. Moving on: Lindsay Lohan went to the Gramercy Park Hotel with friends, where they all drunkenly watched her OWN docu-series, which is not a good way to celebrate one’s sobriety; an onlooker says she was “wobbling all over the place” and “could barely stand” in the hotel lobby afterward. In other news, here is a very good rumor: Nicki Minaj is going to marry her long-time boyfriend Safaree Samuels in a hot tub. There will also be pink elephants and fire breathers in attendance. Sounds like a very classic and understated ceremony. Elsewhere in the mag, Khloe Kardashian is moving too fast with French Montana, who is maybe just using her because he wants to be famous and would like his own reality TV show. And, finally, Ok! had its own Sexiest Celebrity contest-thing. Jennifer Lawrence is the sexiest female celebrity, which makes sense. Adam Levine has been voted the sexiest man, WHICH IS BONKERS. And unoriginal.

GRADE: F (trying to sleep on a rock in the frozen tundra)

Life & Style

IT’S OVER!

We’ve heard this rumor before, but it’s resurfacing like zombie gossip: Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert’s marriage is “over.” Of course, no one has filed for divorce and there’s no official statement — only phrases like “Blake really enjoys drinking” and Miranda is “desperate to have a baby” and the “proof” that at the Academy of Country Music Awards on April 6, Miranda didn’t mention Blake in an acceptance speech. Says an insider: “I have no doubt that she’s leaving Blake if he doesn’t change.” Speculation! Also inside: Kaley Cuoco married Ryan Sweeting after dating him for three months and ta-da: They’re having big problems, says an “insider.” Go ahead and yawn now, it’s okay. In other couples news, Taylor Kinney is on the verge of proposing to Lady Gaga — he just needs to find the right ring, says an insider, “something unique that will suit her personality.” May we suggest a carved tooth covered in dried blood and set in platinum? Or two tiny mechanical hands constantly applauding? Next, the Amanda Bynes story is titled “How I Got My Life Back,” but it is not an interview with or an essay written by the actress, just another smattering of quotes from an “insider” who explains that Amanda is really into school and her family now. Finally, Winona Ryder is under the magnifying glass on the “Knifestyles of the Rich & Famous” page, and the mag speaks to a doctor who accuses her of getting Botox, rhinoplasty, cheek fillers, lip filler and a “non-invasive neck lift,” because if you look terrible, everyone needs to pick apart why, and if you look great, everyone needs to pick apart why, and because this magazine peddles in Crimes Against Womanity. (Fig.2)

GRADE: F (trying to sleep on burning-hot sand in the desert sun)

Star

$175 MILLION DIVORCE

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban’s marriage is on the rocks for a bunch of boring and made-up reasons (she’s mad he’s going back on tour! He flirts with other women, like J. Lo! Nicole feels like a single mom!). They are not actually getting divorced. In other news, Kendall Jenner tweeted an innocuous comment about Kris Jenner being drunk, which Star is taking as her “going on the record” about her mom’s drinking problem. “[Kendall and Kylie] feel like the only way they can get to her is to tweet the drunken things she says,” quoth an insider. Whatever. In other news, Shia LaBeouf was recently spotted sitting in a cafe alone, “fully talking to himself” and making weird motions with his hands. He probably needs psychiatric help. ~Fun lil tabloid story!~ Elsewhere in the magazine, Star has compiled a list of the 20 most hated celebrities. Jaden Smith is on there (RUDE!!!!!) for being bad at Twitter; Madonna and Lady Gaga for trying too hard to be edgy; Juan Pablo and the grandpa from Duck Dynasty for being homophobic; and Kim and Kanye are #1 for being Kim and Kanye. Moving on: Amanda Bynes’ parents are using her for fame because they tweeted a photo of her in a bathing suit on vacation… from her Twitter account (??). Also, according to a source, they’re lying about her not being bipolar and schizophrenic — either because they’re Scientologists or they want her to be in movies again. Nice to see that Star has waited all of five months after her release from rehab to cast doubt upon her mental health.

GRADE: F (trying to sleep on steep vomit-splattered steps)

InTouch

HEART ATTACK DRAMA

Miley Cyrus is in danger of having a heart attack or stroke, say five doctors who have never treated Miley Cyrus. But since Miley is currently in the hospital for a severe allergic reaction, readers will probably buy this issue, believing every word. Here is the evidence: in her 2009 memoir, Miley said that she has tachyardia, a condition defined by a faster-than-normal heartbeat. Also, Miley loves molly and weed, as evidenced by her entire shtick. InTouch has thus taken this opportunity to outline all the ways in which weed and alcohol could cause Miley Cyrus’ death: HER FAVORITE VICES COULD KILL HER (Fig 2). Oh, boy. Moving on: Prince George had his first playdate and snatched a little girl’s doll, which will make him a good leader (the littler girl is a metaphor for the taxpayer maybe). Elsewhere in the magazine, we are treated to a magnificent example of concern-trolling: in an article titled “Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself! Christina’s Baby Weight Panic,” we revisit Christina Aguilera’s pregnancy weight gain and examine the ways in which she is dodging the public eye because tabloid coverage of her body has petrified her. She’s gained 35 pounds, says a nutritionist/professional weight-guesser. DON’T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF but also UH-OH, YOU’RE GAINING WEIGHT! So body positive. In other news, Lindsay Lohan’s relapse is “worse than anyone knows.” According to “multiple sources,” she was drinking and partying while her Oprah-sponsored docu-series about staying sober was being filmed, and she’s continuing to do so now. Pray for LiLo. Finally, Khloe Kardashian is probably going to ruin Kim’s wedding by looking hot and having a boyfriend. LIFE RUINER!!!!!

GRADE: D- (trying to sleep during an action film with constant explosions)

I’LL NEVER TRUST DEAN

Kudos are in order: In an ocean of fake news from “pals” and “insiders,” a life raft in the form of an actual interview. Tori Spelling tells a reporter from Us all about her crumbling marriage, finding out about how Dean cheated on her, and being in therapy. They are not technically broken up, but they have not had sex in months. “We don’t have answers and we’re doing what’s best for the kids right now,” she says. “You don’t stop loving someone because they do something really bad to you. He was my soulmate, but he completely broke my heart.” BEEN THERE, TORI. There’s a lot more, if this kind of thing interests you. Not much else inside.

GRADE: B (trying to sleep on the couch with one thin 50/50 sheet)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Ok!

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from In Touch