This Week In Tabloids: Star Apologizes For Calling Katie Holmes An Addict

In Touch
“Yes, She’s In Love!”
Jennifer Aniston and Bradley Cooper have gotten “so serious, so soon.” Jen is “throwing herself” into the relationship. She went on an Easter trip to New Mexico, but was texting Bradley the whole time. Her friend says that “she has a pattern of texting and emailing with guys for months, and by the time they see each other again, they’re serious.” But! Bradley is a “known fame-seeker who uses his charm and good looks to get close to A-List actresses, only to cut and run.” The mag speculates, “Perhaps she’s simply drawn to bad boys.” Moving on! Reese Witherspoon might be pregnant already. She bought a “hand woven, brightly colored” maternity dress while on vacation in Belize, but we suspect that it was merely a swim cover-up or lounge-y caftan. But! That doesn’t stop the mag from printing an arrow pointing at her abdomen with the words “is this a bump?” Arnold Schwarzenegger’s son Patrick has his eye on Miley Cyrus. Diane Lane: “Is she half-robot?” (See Fig. 5) Britney Spears is a prisoner in her own home. She’s not allowed to have her own cell phone, and can’t accept incoming calls unless they are screened first, by her security people. And! She has to submit a formal request if she wants cash beyond her allowance. The money part makes sense under a conservatorship, and considering the shady people she was associating with (Sam Lufti), we feel better with her under close watch. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spend $10 million a year on their kids. Each child has his or her own personal nanny and own personal tutor. The tutors run about a million a year. Clothes for all the kids? About $100,000. They spend $36,000 a year on food — and there’s a picture of a semi-truck pulling up to the house in France to deliver loads of snacks. $5 million a year is spent on private jets. $600 a day on cars. $7,000 (per event) on birthday parties. $425 a day on fun! Teen Mom‘s Leah might be pregnant again. She was spotted buying a pregnancy test. But who’s the daddy? Is it her ex, Robbie Kidd? He wants to get back together, “in a perfect world.” Teen Mom‘s Amber wants her own series, and says, “If getting pregnant will get me paid, whatever!” Guys, we are doomed. As a nation. Jessica Simpson would like for her fiancé Eric Johnson to lose weight! Apparently he went from having a six-pack to having a beer belly… although the photos don’t really back that up. Sean Penn is jealous of Ryan Reynolds and doesn’t want Scarlett hanging out with Ryan. Christina Aguilera’s son Max doesn’t like her new boyfriend, Matthew Rutler. A source says: “Max is a daddy’s boy, and Matt isn’t his daddy.” Burn! Courteney Cox is preparing to get divorced and has begun dividing assets. Lastly: Here is a hard-hitting investigative feature: “Is Kirstie REALLY A Size 6?” The magazine shows us pictures of Kirstie from all angles, including “from behind.” A psychotherapist who does not treat Kirstie says: “If she’s a size 6, then every woman who’s wearing a size 16 can say she’s a size 8!” GAH. Why does it matter? Kirstie looks great. Anyway, a celebrity trainer weighs in: “I think she’s about a 10.”
Grade: D+ (scratched elbow)

Star
“Sandra Betrayed Again!”
Before we go forward, please note that this cover includes the words, “Star Apologizes To Katie Holmes — Inside.” On January 19, Star alleged that Katie was hooked on Scientology e-meter sessions, which have an effect “similar to heroin!” She then sued the magazine. Anyway, in this issue, on page ONE, the copy reads: “We published headlines about Katie Holmes that could be read to suggest that she was addicted to drugs.” To be clear: The cover included the words “ADDICTION NIGHTMARE: KATIE DRUG SHOCKER.” The statement continues: “Star did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict, or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction, and will be making a substantial donation to charity on Ms. Holmes’s behalf.” (See Fig. 6) Wow. Okay! On to the cover story. In Jesse James’s new memoir, he blames Sandra for his cheating, because his “spirit and soul were gone” during the marriage. The story includes a column penned by Michelle “Bombshell” McGee, who was the first woman to reveal Jesse’s cheating ways. She calls his book “Another big F-you to Sandra,” and says “he wants to break Sandra’s heart all over again.” Jesus. Apparently Sandra always wanted the dogs in the bed and he hated it and they didn’t have sex for months and so on. Next: Victoria Gotti also has a column in the issue, and apparently has a past with the magazine; she writes, “I’m back at Star.” Her piece is a promotional device for the upcoming Gotti movie, though. Kate Middleton apparently is the “boss” in her relationship with Prince William. She kept him from failing out of school when he was “floundering” in his art history course. “Flunking out is not the thing future kings do,” she told him. And! At some point she said: “He’s lucky to have got me.” Gretchen from RHOC has been charged with fraud, for allegedly pushing a business partner out of deal. Chelsea Handler and Jennifer Aniston are friends, but their dogs hate each other. Jessica Biel and Gerard Butler have been spotted getting close on the set of their new film. Gerard is “crazy” about Jessica and has been “practically glued to her side.” Teen Mom‘s Jenelle is living in fear or her brother, who punched her sister in the head 50 or 60 times while he was driving and she was in the passenger seat. The brother, Colin, is bipolar and schizophrenic, and a family friend is worried that Jenelle is displaying some similar traits. Meanwhile, Amber from Teen Mom is sleeping with her neighbor who lives with his girlfriend, who has a baby. There was a confrontation between Amber the guy’s girlfriend, in which Amber mooned the young lady and yelled, “I’m ridin’ your baby daddy!” Awesome. “Lady Gaga Intervention!” is about how, after a recent performance in Florida, Gaga was seen at a club, where she “looked like she was totally wasted!” She showed up in a thong and a bra, and was shaking her tush in everyone’s face. Someone in Tennessee had a similar encounter, saying: “It was obvious she was wasted; we were worried for her.” Lastly: Gaga has Lupus, which is made worse by drinking, so her dad is furious she’s boozing and drugging. She was born this way, people!
Grade: C- (minor knuckle abrasion)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Us

Fig. 2, from Life & Style

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

Fig. 4, from Life & Style

Fig. 5, from In Touch

Fig. 6, from Star