This Week In Tabloids: Was Jennifer Aniston the Only Actor on Friends? Maybe!
Celebrities

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where local menace Joan Summers is currently boycotting the Friends 25th Anniversary Celebration by breaking into every Pottery Barn in the country and lighting the Friends-branded coffee tables on fire. Seeing as the police are currently searching for my whereabouts—sources tell me they have some “questions”—there isn’t much time.
Let’s dive in to this week’s tabloids!

Star:
There is no other way I’d like to spend the 25th anniversary of Friends than digging through some allegations and gossip contained within my least favorite tabloid! I should start by saying that if you walked up to me and explained a popular moment in the show where the cast elaborately stages a high-stakes robbery that climaxes in a drug-fueled orgy and the murder of a loved one—I’d believe you! Not a single episode has ever penetrated the protective barrier I’ve cloaked myself in for much of my life and the plot remains a mystery to me. (I plan on keeping it that way!) From what little evidence I’ve gathered from daytime television interviews and Facebook posts from high school acquaintances, they’re friends… who are rich? Or at least pretending to be poor? I’ve never figured out why they loiter in public on coffee shop couches despite their incredibly spacious apartments.
I’m also saddened to report that Julia Roberts appeared on a podcast. Dark times!
Anyway! The big story here is that one time Jon Favreau, notable nerd and architect of the destruction of the movie industry, asked the directors to make his guest spot “cooler.” Who knows why! To meet his outrageous demand, they made his character a wannabe UFC fighter. I’m also told that Brad Pitt once starred as Jennifer Aniston’s “archnemesis,” which is a stunning example of life imitating art! (At least as far as the tabloids are concerned.) Sources even claim that she was so disliked by the cast that they constantly mocked her for her hair. The joke’s on them, clearly, considering how much money she’s made from shampoo commercials since.
Jon Gosselin (remember him?) also claimed that Kate Gosselin, America’s least favorite a-line bob, emotionally abused their children. As Star reports:
Following the lift of a 10 year gag order, Jon Gosselin claims that some of his eight children with Kate Gosselin suffered abuse while under his care, and that he received “50 or 60” letters from the Department of Human Services due to suspected child abuse. The former TV personality criticized the Kate Plus Date star for shipping their son Collin off to a special needs institution because she “couldn’t deal with him” and alleged her ex also “targeted” their daughter Hannah.
Worse, he suspects that their children are merely a financial conduit to pay for Kate’s lifestyle. Both Collin and Hannah live with him now. Meanwhile, Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are desperately trying to “save their relationship” by making more date nights. To illustrate this, Star included a helpful photograph of the two laughing, smiling, and generally enjoying themselves.
Busy Phillips bought her own book somewhere in Los Angeles, Rihanna was seen with somebody named Halsey, Katy Perry danced with Ellen Degeneres, and Jaime King was outshined by the disco ball she posed. Jordin Sparks performed on Broadway. Tom Brady wore sunglasses inside. Tom Delonge filed for divorce, and coupled with his recent foray into the field of UFO-ology, I’m sure we can guess what their “irreconcilable differences” were. Jon Hamm is still dating Lindsey Shookus, and strangely enough, a source claims that Charlize Theron went to Nicole Kidman for matchmaking advice. Considering the years-long narrative that she and Keith Urban are undergoing sex therapy to heal their broken love life, let’s assume the advice was ineffective. I’m also saddened to report that Julia Roberts appeared on a podcast. Dark times!