WHAT: Katy Perry and John Mayer Have Broken Up

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Katy Perry and John Mayer have broken up after an endless stream of engagement rumors, one insufferable love song and several gossip site meltdowns prompted by the vision of Katy Perry wearing an extremely large diamond on her ring finger. If anything proves that we live in a dark and chaotic world ruled over by the whims of cruel and capricious forces, it is probably not this. But still! I really thought they were going to make it!

A source close to the pair told E! News that the couple is officially dunzo — also, the wild-eyed crooner responsible for “Your Body Is a Wonderland” was notably absent from Katy’s side during a recent trip to London and Milan. It was, as one might expect, Katy Perry’s doing. RIP Katy Perry and John Mayer’s love. We will miss you. [E!]

In other “LITERALLY NOTHING IN THE WORLD MAKE SENSE ANYMORE” news, Kim Kardashian told Ryan Seacrest on his radio show that she and Kanye are having a “super, super small, intimate wedding.” But maybe that’s relative? Like, they’ll get married barefoot on the beach (by “barefoot,” of course, they mean they’ll be wearing conceptual skin-hooves fashioned by Ricardo Tisci) while a lone cameraman records the proceedings for television. [Us]

Jared Leto‘s Oscars date is his mom! On his Instagram, he posted a very adorable screenshot of her reacting to his invitation via FaceTime. As a result, I am starting a petition to replace all Celebrity Baby news with Celebrity Parent news (they must all be so proud of their brood and it is very heartwarming). [E!]

Jared Leto‘s other Oscars date is maybe a wet man-bun. [The Cut]

  • Rihanna came to Drake‘s concert in Paris and performed “Take Care” with him. They ground upon one another for just one tender moment, and the crowd screamed a deafening scream of joy. [E!]
  • Michelle Dockery loves being in action movies, would like to do her own stunts. Maybe they will let her drive the automobile or wear trousers on Downton Abbey now. [E!]
  • Even husks of men in aviator sunglasses have feelings, maybe: Robin Thicke has cancelled another concert following his split from Paula Patton. [E!]
  • Lupita Nyong’o‘s birthday is on Sunday; her plan is winning a ton of awards, probably. [E!]
  • Kaley Cuoco says that getting engaged three months after meeting her now-husband wasn’t “slutty.” Uh, no shit, Kaley. [HuffPo]
  • Chantal Jeffries, the eyebrow connoisseur who was with Justin Bieber when he was arrested, did an interview to clear up some “misconceptions” about the boy. I didn’t read this, though, because it’s very boring. I just looked at the picture of her eyebrows. [Gossip Cop]
  • Controversial magazine columnist Alec Baldwin will be playing a controversial newspaper columnist on Law & Order: SVU. [EW]
  • Jenna Fischer is pregnant with her second child! [People]
  • George Clooney is maybe dating Amal Alamuddin, a British barrister who specializes in international law and human rights. [Page Six]
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