An anonymous, supposedly female writer on the pages of Men’s Health helpfully provides men with a list of supposedly female fantasies they should initiate/push women to pursue. We’ve got other ideas.
Numbers one and two, to her credit, aren’t bad: bathe; and talk dirty. Far be it from us to discourage men from bathing before sex (especially if anyone in the relationship enjoys teabagging) and, certainly, a little dirty talk can be good for some women — but those are far from universal fantasies as promised by the writer. Of course, bathing doesn’t mesh with number three, which is to fuck your partner senseless after mowing the lawn shirtless, but that seems to be more of an invitation for role-playing, which, yay for role-playing.
It’s really number 4 where we start to think this list was not penned by a woman.
4. Ask me to perform yoga poses naked.
I’ve been preparing for it every week while bent over and staring through my legs at the mirror on the yoga-studio wall. This is not a performance I’ll volunteer for. I need a little encouragement, goading even, but I will give in. And you’ll especially like the views when I’m in camel pose and standing bow.
I think most women know the difference between good naked and bad naked and, believe me, some yoga poses are not good-naked. Additionally, encouraging men to take up “goading” a woman into something is not good advice.
Then there are the vaguely coercive things the writer advocates.
5. Slide your hand up my skirt when you’re following me upstairs.
And
8. Ambush me in the shower and direct a strong stream of warm water precisely at my clitoris. Adjust your aim even as I giggle and squirm around the tub. I’ve done this by myself, plenty of times, but having you do it to me is way sexier and a hundred times more fun.
Um, no, let’s also not advocate that men don’t take “no” for an answer or paw their partners at every opportunity.
On that note, let’s just also say that some women are really not into incredibly visibly possessive men.
14. Kiss me in front of your friends or coworkers and slip me the tiniest bit of tongue. They’ll think we have a smokin’ sex life. Other women will wish they had a guy like you. That will make me feel very lucky, and very horny.
Yes, there’s nothing like placing your sex life over your professionalism, and putting your mark on a woman that just makes her weak at the knees. That’s obviously hot. Maybe he can also pee in a circle around her, just to make sure the meaning is obvious?
13. Buy more of those snug, gray boxers with the buttons on the crotch. I want to work them open with my teeth.
I will guarantee right here and now that half the men reading this involuntarily crossed their legs.
The rest of the stuff isn’t terrible — perform cunnilingus! play with her nipples after penetration! give her a massage! read a book to know what you’re doing — but in addition to the guy who would chase me around with a massaging showerhead, there is one piece of truly terrible advice that would cause me to kick even Daniel Craig out of bed (and my house).
10. Ask to take black-and-white photos of me naked.
I want you to, but I’m not so cocky as to suggest that my body could be a work of art. That’s why I need you to do it for me. Bring it up after we’ve had sex. Tell me that the curve of my hips needs to be immortalized. Then, one rainy Saturday night, produce a bottle of wine and a camera.
Um, no, don’t get a girl drunk and then try to take naked pictures of her. Gross, dude. And now I totally know who wrote this.
Make Her Fantasies Come True [Men’s Health]