You Beto Believe It


It’s official: after months of speculation, what felt like endless journaling, and a possible midlife crisis that entailed growing an unfortunate beard and Instagramming his dental visits, Beto O’Rourke has announced that he is running for president.

I personally believe that Beto should stay in Texas and run for Senator John Cornyn’s seat in 2020—he is a great politician for my home state, with politics that are just left of center enough to energize a wide swath of Democrats, progressives, and sensible people who just want to end Republican domination in a rapidly changing state. The Democratic presidential primary is an entirely different beast—do we need Obama version 2.o, a man described by Jacobin as “an attractive, progressive-sounding, comforting figure who will pay lip service to their values and make the trauma of Trump just go away?”

One thing is for certain, though—we will all need to prepare to suffer through months of bad puns. As a service to you, our readers, here are some we predict we’ll see in the coming months:

  • Beto Late Than Never
  • Can’t Get No Beto Than This!
  • Beto Yo Ass He Won
  • You Beto Werk
  • Nobody Does It Beto
  • Can’t Find a Beto Man
  • I Can’t Believe It’s Not Beto (if he loses, natch)
  • Beto Luck Tomorrow (also if he loses)
  • Mo’ Beto Blues (see above)
  • Beto to Have Lost Than To Have Never Run At All (same)
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