I have ADHD. I often leave the television on and watch shows on and off while I’m writing on the weekends (focus breaks), which leads to ADHD recaps like this one.
Is there anything worse than Saturday afternoon television in the summer? Occasionally, you’ll stumble across a decent or ridiculous movie, or a marathon of sorts, or a Lifetime film starring Kellie Martin or Tori Spelling or Tracey Gold, but on the whole, Saturday afternoon television is populated by infomercials and puff piece sports/news shows and replays of the shit you’ve already seen a million times before. If you turn to MSNBC, you’ll see people in jail or being sent to jail after getting involved in some horrible crime, and if you turn on E!, you’ll see Knocked Up, because they’re apparently contractually obligated to show that film at least 1780384930 times per weekend, in between re-runs of Holly’s World and that show about those girls who broke into a house or whatever.
Anyway, today’s television situation was particularly dire, as I ended up landing on an episode of Wipeout, which, as far as I can tell, is just American Gladiators for people with no athletic skill whatsoever. Here’s the basic idea behind this show: it’s really fucking funny when people fall down. A bunch of adults are rounded up and let loose in an outdoor version of Discovery Zone, where they are expected to fall down go boom and make the home audience laugh, which I did, several times, because I am 12. To be honest with you, I only watched like 17 minutes or so, because I got up from posting to take a break and eat tacos, and everyone knows that tacos taste better when you eat them while watching adults falling off of foam apparatuses (apparati? What’s the proper word there? I read once that octopi actually isn’t the preferred plural anymore, and that octopuses is, which is like, really? Downgrade, you know? If I were an octopus, I’d protest. Eight arms to scold you, science! Octopuses? That’s like mooses or deers. Just…whatever. Grammar police, please send your “Shut up, Hortense” complaints to No, You Shut Up, c/o Preferred Terminology Fights, Octopi Avenue, In Your Face, USA.)
OK, so Wipeout. Do you know what this show is, really? It’s a combination of Nickelodeon’s Guts and Wild and Crazy Kids and Double Dare, only there’s no AggroCrag or Donnie Jeffcoat—who is still acting and doing well and going by Don Jeffcoat, by the way—or BK Dymacels to be won. It’s not even as exciting, or as gross, as the Double Dare obstacle course, to be honest. How gross was the Double Dare obstacle course? The giant ear with all the wax? Ugh. The worst. I would have refused, just flat out refused to do it. “No thank you, Marc Summers, but I won’t be sacrificing my childhood dignity for a trip to Nickelodeon Studios, the very place we’re shooting this damn show. I’m already here! Why do I need to win a trip to here?! I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it. Just give me my consolation Casio keyboard and let me go.”
So in Wipeout, there’s no wax, or Jeffcoat, or Omar Gooding, or Annette Chavez, or theme songs like this:
but like Wild and Crazy Kids, (or, as it is best known, “W-wild and crazy kiiiiiiiids,”) the contestants all wear obnoxiously bright t-shirts and are egged on by hosts who are paid to amp up the wild and the crazy. In the Nickelodeon version, however, it was all about accomplishing something and being active. Here, you just fall down and look stupid. You literally wipe out. And that’s all I can really remember, because once I finished my tacos, my dog started circling like he had to pee, so I got up and took him outside and thought about life for a while. And by life, I mean, “Whatever happened to BK Dymacels? Can I get a pair on Ebay? Look at that bee! Do we have any ice cream left? I wonder if anyone calls Don Jeffcoat Donnie in private. Mike O’Malley was nominated for an Emmy this year! And he was on Guts! That is the best! Do-do-do-do-do you have it!? GUTS! I should probably go back inside and get back to work now. What was I going to write about? Oh yeah, Wipeout. Hortense Smith! Spill your GUTS! No, I can’t start with that, that’s the wrong show. Go back inside. Did you take your pill today? You did, after breakfast. After you scoop this poop, you are going to go back in the house and—do-do-do-do you have it?! GUTS!”
And that brings us here, to the end. I hope you liked it. If not, I’ll fall down in my living room. If I’ve learned anything from Wipeout, it’s that that shit is comedy gold.
Should you want to watch the show for yourself, it’s best to start at the official site.