Canadians, Please Come Pick Up Justin Bieber and Take Him Home.


Canadian export Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami last night for drunk driving, and a Dade County judge set Justin Bieber’s bail at $2,500 (approximately how much he makes every time just .00002 seconds of “Baby” is played). As the antics of a 19-year-old boy grow ever more tiresome, Americans must wonder: Is there a return policy for this shit? Can we send him back to Canada? Will Canada even let him in the door?

Think Progress’s Esther Yu-Hsi Lee highlighted the fact that technically, the US could deport Bieber, who has caused far more ruckus and damage than immigrants who face deportation every single day. And there’s also a spanking-new (if not pointless) White House petition aimed to revoke Bieber’s green card and send that mess back to whence it came.

Okay, so maybe this is our fault. The American pop culture industrial complex took your kind, innocent, talented Canadian boy, chewed him up and spit him out. We gave him millions of fans, an outrageous amount of money, and a megalomaniacal complex rivaling that of Stephen Harper. But now he’s clogging up our legal system; the kid has some major child star issues and a burgeoning substance abuse problem. We don’t want him anymore. Like the majestic sockeye salmon of British Columbia’s Fraser River, such is the life cycle of the American pop star.

Having attended university in Canada, I turned to my peers and colleagues in search of mercy from the Great White North: Will you guys please take this fuckwit back?

  • Jön F, QC: “You can keep him.”
  • Emily H, BC: “We gave him to you. No regifting.”
  • Kas P, ON: “I will appeal his extradition.”
  • Tari A, BC: “As a recent immigrant to Canada, I would argue that Bieber is Canada’s ultimate act of revenge to the US for years of mocking. Is it well deserved? Probably.”
  • Jaycelyn B, BC: “I feel sorry for all the little kids who are “beliebers” in Justin Bieber. He isn’t being a positive role model. As a Canadian musician, I know how important it is to interact with fans and inspire those who look up to you. You are a huge influence and it’s a shame to see someone make poor life choices when they’re in the spotlight.”
  • Tanner F, BC: “Considering he met the Prime Minister of Canada wearing, as he tweeted, ‘Overauhls. Lol,’ I say we welcome back the rhetorical genius and fashion icon.”
  • Brendon B, ON: “No way — you broke it, you bought it.”
  • Nick C, BC: “Who’s Justin Bieber?”

Clearly it’s going to take the Canadians a bit of convincing, so I propose a Trojan Horse of sorts. We’ll hide Bieber in a magnificent parade float featuring fountains of Vitamin P (Old Style Pilsner) flowing down a life-size statue of Wayne Gretzky made of Tim Horton’s Timbits—all while Neil Young sits atop the float, crankily strumming his guitar and occasionally waving at the crowd. Next to him we’ll sit a lookalike of Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys. It’ll be a Canadian orgasm on wheels; we’ll just nudge it over the border and our Northern neighbors would never be able to resist.

Image via AP.

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