Today, we asked to hear about your experiences with the female condom, which experts say is making a comeback. IndieChic shared her insights in one of the greatest product reviews of all time:
I am allergic to latex, and so have tried the female condom (or femidom as we call them in the UK) as an alternative as they are non-latex and non-latex male condoms did not used to be availble for free on the NHS. (Until I made a huge complaint and threatened to sue for discrimination. Now you can get non-latex male condoms for free on the NHS just like any other contraceptive.)
The female condom combines all the fun sexy spontaneity of the diaphragm (you have to pinch and fold the “upper” ring and then insert it into your vagina, to cover the cervix, like a diaphragm) with the added excitement of feeling like you’re having sex using a carrier bag as a prophylactic. They russle! Like a plastic shopping bag! During sex. Every movement is accompanied by crinkly plasticky sounds. Youi know how in the theatre they sometimes remind you to unwrap any sweets before the performance. That’s becasue the sound of rustling plastic is very distracting! If it’s distracting enough during a play, in theatre, can you IMAGINE how distracting it is in your vagina, during sex??
And you can feel it. Really, really feel it. You can feel the crinkles and creases of the plastic, you can feel it stick and move poorly when you do have sex and you can feel the rings.
Maybe some women might be able to position the outer ring to provide cliltoral stimulation, but really by the time you have managed to keep a straight face while inserting a contraption made of bin-liners and plastic hoops that looks more like a Barbie bodybag than anything sexytimes-related into your ho-ha: then somehow your partner has managed to maintain an erection while trying to penetrate what appears to be a dead jellyfish hanging out of your vagina: if you somehow manage to then get further into having sex and have to contend with the sound of rustling plastic eminating spookily from your vajay-jay at every singe thrust, stroke or wriggle: then actually, you really care much about trying to somehow position the outer ring for clitoral stimulation. By then, the whole thing is funny and uncomfortable and no longer even remotely sexy.
A carrier bag blowing in the breeze made a beautiful scene in American Beauty.
A carrier bag in your vagina does not make a beautiful scene.
(However if you ever wanted to decorate your vagina for halloween, with the end of an off-white ghostly contraption hanging out of it, and an eerie rustling sound – haunted vagina in one easy step!)
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