Comment Of The Day: Q&A With DWTS' Most Bigoted Fans

Fans of ABC’s Dancing With The Stars were tremendously upset by the inclusion of Chaz Bono in this season’s cast. Hopefully NomNom83 and this nude photo of Bruno Tonioli can clear up any confusion.

Dear ABC Public Relations Department,
I respectfully submit my completely unsolicited layman’s expertise in helping to respond to the flurry of negative comments produced by your announcement of the cast of DWTS Season 13. Below you will find a sampling of actual comments and my suggested responses.
As a means of further extending the olive branch, these viewers, who are clearly passionate in both opinion and love of the show, should be gifted with a signed 8 x 10 of this Bruno pic. Perhaps if they see him being, literally, light-in-the-loafers, they’ll get a fucking clue.

C. “How low can this show sink?”
R. Jerry Springer, Season 3. Scientifically proven in a peer reviewed study.
C. “How do I explain Chaz Bono to my 7 year old daughter?”
R. Well, how did you explain teen mom Bristol Palin? If you can explain a hypocrite, then telling your child that Chaz is “a human being just like you and me” should be no problem. And why would you ever think to discuss anyone’s genitals with your child? Did you ban the Tour de France from ’99-’05?
C. “whats next? people who have married their animals? or how about dancing with hookers, that would really be popular.”
R. On behalf of ABC’s Dept. of Development, thank you for the suggestion! Unfortunately, we do not accept unsolicited pitches. Please revise to correct grammar and resubmit along with an 8 x 10 head-shot as we have just announced our new mid-season show Dancing with Hookers and are looking to cast some Johns! We totally thought of that before you wrote. I swear.
C. “It is very Christian and loving to show a person her error, so that she may either correct it or at least not wallow in her sin. ” and “It is not bigoted to state facts.”
R. Why, you must be so busy all the time being “Christian” and pointing out to family, friends and neighbors where they have erred. I’m surprised you even had time to write to us. However, I feel it is my duty, as a rational person to show you your error: since you have not stated facts, you are, in fact, a bigot.
C. “Dancing with the stars in [sic] desperate!”
R. Always and forever! Do you think a real star would ever slum it in our ranks?
C. “the life style is 100% wrong you can find it in any bible”
R. Well, not “any” bible, just the New International Version (NIV). Unfortunately, ABC is strictly King James.
C. “Wait until you grow up and get a career.”
R. You are aware that this response is coming from an adult with a career… yes? What, do you think ABC got its name b/c it’s run by a bunch of pre-schoolers?
C. “GOD saw to it that Cher gave birth to a girl.”
R. Look, I liked Sonny as much as the next hippie, but I wouldn’t refer to him as GOD.
C.”Looks like DWTS is trying to make a political statement this season… Wonder if producers will give equal time to conservatives in season 14?!”
R. If you’re looking for political statements, you must have missed Season 11, wherein we cast Bristol Palin and later trotted out her mother, Governor Palin, to satisfy our conservative base.
C. “Honestly i dont care if other people know that i can change my channel.”
R. You know, if the neighbors find out, they’re all gonna want TVs with other channels, too. There could be a national panic. Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me!

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